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SA's 10 Scariest

2008-10-31 08:56
It's all in good fun!

Francois Breytenbach Blom (K.O.B.U.S.! lead singer)
Fear factor: He is El Diablo. SA rock’s only Pan – half man/half goat boy.
Rap sheet: Thanked "Ou Vaaljas" (um, that’s Satan, kids) when he collected his SAMA award for Best Afrikaans rock.
Sold his soul? Well, he don't drive no scooter.
Lurks... Behind a mixing desk, twiddling your knobs
Protection? Play Bles Bridges backwards.

Schalk Burger
Fear factor: Hair. Like Samson. How does a mug like that pull chicks?
Yellow cards: Banned for openly abusing a touch judge in a Super 14 game in March.
Sold his soul: To Steers and SASOL, playing the bastard child of Incredible Hulk and Ninja Turtle.
Lurks... Behind you! Quick!
Protection? Shoulder pads, gum guard and an A3 poster of Luke Watson.
Runners up: Makhaya Ntini (with the new ball in hand), Bakkies Botha

Jacob Zuma
Fear factor: His inexplicable charisma
Rap sheet: (see Zapiro cartoons of the last two years)
Sold his soul? Renting, actually.
Lurks... In the jacuzzi.
Protection? Shower power.
Dina Rodrigues
Fear factor: Sociopathic tendencies, GHD
Rap Sheet: Had ex-boyfriend's child murdered.
Sold her soul: Yep, didn’t get very much for it, to be honest.
Lurks...: Behind bars.
Protection?: Stay out of jail. And love.
Runners up: Daisy de Melker, Najwa Petersen

Fear factor: Looks like dead people.
Rap Sheet: Has commited several acts of musical theatre.
Sold his soul: R300 gets you a front row seat.
Lurks...: In a designer suit with no tie.
Protection?: A bodyguard of Blue Bull supporters should sort him out.
Runners up: None living

JM Coetzee
Fear factor: Can put English students to sleep in any close-reading paradigm.
Disgrace: His worshipp... uhm, his fans.
Sold his soul? No, just his house in SA.
Lurks... In the land of Oz.
Protection? Jackie Collins, Tom Clancy, Dean Koontz...
Runners up: None.

Leon Schuster
Fear factor: Can assume any disguise, including that of filmmaker.
Rap Sheet: His last music album was pretty sheet.
Sold his soul... And all he got was Mr Bones. Sheesh.
Sounds: Like comedy, which is misleading.
Protection: The Parliamentary Channel. It’s the only place that's safe.
Runners up: those kids in the playground with cell phones at that fight.

Chris McEvoy
Fear Factor: Adjectives
Rap Sheet: Pissed off a higher power through his wicked ways. Now arguing He/She doesn’t exist. Ouch.
Sold his soul?: Yes - and keeps demanding a raise.
Hangs out: In front of the TV with a case of Noncohol beer.
Weakness: Anonymous comments.
Runners up: Jon Qwelane, Gwen Gill

Riaan Cruywagen
Fear Factor: Can not age/grin.
Rap Sheet: Has reported tons of very bad things affecting people you know.
Sold his soul?: If he did, don’t you think it would be on the news?
Hangs... From the roof, eyes open.
Weakness: None. Impervious to regime change, fashion and receding hairlines.
Runners up: Noleen, Felicia MBS

Cherel Haines from Isidingo
Fear factor She makes Cinderella’s stepmother look like an angel
Rap sheet: Killed first husband, killed second husband’s son, stole daughter’s boyfriend...
Sold her soul? The devil wanted to give it back but she found life much more manageable without it.
Lurks... near mine shafts that can easily accommodate dead bodies.
Protection? Stay poor, and you’re of no use to her.
Runners up: Barker from Isidingo

- By Jean Barker, Niel Bekker, Sam Brighton, Miles Keylock
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