Maybe it's because I grew up with one, so I actually know the difference between a real-life - as opposed to a made-for-TV - lesbian. Just for the record, the real ones sometimes talk about things other than lesbianism, and look distinctly unexcited if a guy walks into the room while they're making out. Especially if he's your girlfriend's brother. And holding a video camera. Naked. But enough about some other guy who's totally not me because I just made him up.

This upbringing, and the fact that I've had lots of lesbian friends, bisexual girlfriends and lesbian one night stands (long story) is probably the reason why I like penises in my porn.  In fact, I pretty much insist on them. You see, I need a penis to hang on to. Wait, that came out wrong.... I mean, I prefer the presence of penises so I can project myself into the fantasy – which is the entire object of the exercise.

I'd even argue that penises are *more* important in straight male porn than intimate female parts. Many straight men would think there was nothing at all gay in watching little more than a woman's head and a man's chub-on for hours and hours and hours until they finally cry themselves to sleep at their keyboard.

There's no fun in porn if you can't imagine yourself being there – and personally, I can't picture myself in a lesbian scene, because I simply don't feel like I've been invited. They usually seem to be doing pretty well for themselves without my bubonic contribution.

So while watching lesbian scenes, I usually end up – out of sheer politeness – fantasising that I'm sitting alone in the next room, getting drunk - which, as it happens, is sometimes exactly what I was actually doing in real life. Have that particular experience, guys, and I guarantee you'll know the true meaning of an existential crisis.

The only reason lesbian scenes even exist in straight porn is because of its audience of uneducated men who fantasise that if they were there in real life, they could walk in and join the action. It's a socially invalid, patriarchal fantasy born of sheer ignorance and bigotry, that could only exist in a world where men think they can change everything by pulling out their prick.

This mindset is directly responsible for the frequent oppression and violence against lesbians. Right here in South Africa, there are regular incidents of lesbians being raped – even gang-raped – by men with magical, preference-altering cocks. Do I even need to tell you that this is an attitude that needs to change? Oh, good.

Then I think we can all come to the same conclusion: our arts and culture minister, Lulu Xingwana should not only be fired immediately, but also dragged through the streets by flatulent ponies so that the rest of us can throw rotting vegetables at her until she dies from her own stupidity.

In vilifying the Innovative Women art exhibition, ostensibly for featuring relatively tame images of female couples by lesbian artists, Xingwana insidiously supports this continued oppression and the ignorant perceptions inherent in the basest pornography.

Isn't it weird how the moral morons and the slimiest mass media coalesce on certain issues, especially when it comes to anything queer? I'd bet my left nut (well, a friend's left nut, anyway) that if the now-controversial images had featured heterosexual couples in exactly the same poses and states of undress, most of us wouldn't have even heard about the exhibition.

So by being the stone-age bigot she is, Xingwana has perhaps achieved her greatest accomplishment in promoting arts and culture in South Africa since she weaselled her way into office. Ordinarily, I wouldn't have given this exhibition a second glance, it being a lesbian thing and all. But by calling it "immoral, offensive and going against nation-building", Xingwana has inadvertently turned it into a human rights issue, and we should all be very, very interested indeed.

Now all that's left for Xingwana to do is to apologise, and sod off.