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David Duchovny vs David Duchovny

Now in case you haven’t heard of this couples construct, a Get Out of Jail (or GOOJ) card is an agreement with your partner that despite your monogamous relationship, there is one person you’ll not turn down for a shag, should the opportunity ever arise. And it usually won’t, given the fact that most people choose A-list celebrities from another hemisphere, or even worse, dead A-list celebrities from another hemisphere. I know a gay guy who’s GOOJ card is the late, great, and almost certainly lesbian Greta Garbo. I’m tempted to dig the women up myself just to see how that one pans out.

Whenever this topic crops up in conversation there’s the usual roll-call of Brad Pitt and Angeline Jolie (although perhaps understandably, never at the same time), the chick from Tru Calling, but only in that title sequence shot when she’s running, the pickled and steadily fossilising George Clooney and a host of other bimbos and himbos which most of us will have completely forgotten 10 minutes from now. For example, I had “Wentworth Miller” written in my notes, which I jotted down less than an hour ago, but since then I’ve lost all memory of this alleged person. I suspect he’s a character who appeared to me in one of those dreams that are so boring they actually wake you up.

One name that surprises me every time it pops up in these conversations is David Duchovny. For some reason beyond the comprehension of my single-cell male brain, women of all ages cream their jeans over this guy. What does DD have that I don’t, besides fame, fortune and, you know, being good-looking and everything? Women can be so shallow sometimes. You can’t expect them to appreciate the subtle nuances of, say, the chick from Tru Calling in that title sequence shot when she’s running.

Despite his obvious appeal, DD is rarely cast in roles that enhance his image as a sex symbol. Now starring in Showtime’s Californication, DD’s major breakthrough was The X-Files, in which he played Fox Mulder, a reclusive, perennially depressed geek whose only meaningful sexual relationship was with his extensive porno collection.

The show was a ‘90s phenomenon, tapping into the zeitgeist of conspiracy theories and new age hokum for people who realised the traditional notions of God were bullshit, but somehow thought it was perfectly reasonable to treat terminal cancer by putting a crystal on their foreheads. And of course, there was the belief in waiflike gray extraterrestrials who were a little bit too interested with what was going on in our colons.
The X-Files attempted to answer many relevant questions of the time, the most important one being, “What the Hell is going on in The X-Files?” After watching all nine seasons on DVD I’m still not sure if the aliens actually existed. As far as I could tell, they were humans pretending to be aliens disguised as human to hide the fact that they were only half alien, half human, and illegitimate, because their parents could never agree on an appropriate marriage ceremony. Oh, and the show also appeared to be saying that smoking makes you live forever and the FBI can’t afford decent lighting in their offices.

DD’s Fox Mulder was anything but a hero. Flawed, lonely and sexless, his life is a series of figurative brick walls and literal beatings. He sleeps on his couch, survives on pizza and sunflower seeds and has no idea how to look after himself. But he’s also dark and mysterious, so naturally, women want to nurture him. We live in a patriarchal world that conditions women to be attracted to fixer-upper types. A perfect guy that doesn’t need any major psychological renovation offers no challenge, and presents little opportunity for that personal touch. It’s great to be able to proudly say, “See how clean and shaven and not drunk he is? I did that. You should have seen him when I found him, though – he was a total wreck.”

The same dynamic applies to DD’s Hank Moody in the dramady, Californication. The show is a veritable cornucopia of depravity and amoral corruption, laced with foul language, blasphemy and sex acts that could get you beheaded in certain countries. Needless to say, I love it. I’ve learnt through experience that any television show that offends conservative religious nutjobs enough to make them boycott advertisers is probably something I’m going to enjoy.

Once again, DD’s character is inherently flawed. Here he’s a drunk, self-loathing womaniser on the wrong side of 40 who looks like he’s just been dragged through a hedge backwards. Take a number, girls - you can change him! Then after that you can move onto James "Sawyer" Ford from Lost. He’s an asshole too!

I was starting to feel socially pressurised into coming up with a GOOJ card of my own, and after some prodding and teasing, I eventually settled on my next door neighbour, which I’m told defeats the object entirely. Sure, I’d rather shag Summer Glau, but at least my next door neighbour is attainable, and I won’t have to call a taxi afterwards. She can just walk home.

Not that I even want a GOOJ card. I don’t want to cheat, or be cheated on. But in my social circle, having an imaginary bit on the side is kind of like snogging your sister at a Counting Crows concert. It may be morally dubious at best, but at least you’re blending in with the rest of the crowd.

Californication is on M-Net on Tuesdays at 22h30. Watch, listen and learn.

- Chris McEvoy
PS: Have a question, comment or startling observation that simply insists on a response? I'll field all your feedback on my column blog.
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