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It's like Zuma's belly. There's no way around VD. Many women have tried but eventually he traps them; they mysteriously "slip on the soap in the shower" or "wear a short skirt" and next thing you know...
Valentine's Day is the one day of the year when - even if you really love being single, and everyone is aware of this - you still get people asking: "What are your plans?" They don't ask because they actually care. They ask so they can tell you what they're doing, with the love of their life.
I'm seriously considering responding: "Oh, that sounds so much more fun than buying a whole bunch of batteries and staying home with the curtains closed. I think I'll join you!"
Luckily, there are rare moments when I can keep my mouth shut. And luckily too, life has taught me that there's something much, much worse than being gratefully single on Valentine's Day.
I once came home from the office to a true love that had only eight months to live. Not him, the relationship (pity about that). I gave him a chocolate heart I'd gotten for free from the marketing department at work. He was playing a computer game. He thanked me and ate it while he killed something: "It's not very good chocolate," he commented, without looking up.
Yes, there's something worse than having no Valentine's plans, and that's having to go through the motions when the romance has clearly died.
Take BranJenLina for instance (please note new spelling). Not only do these poor people have six kids and a love triangle to contend with, but every moment of their miserably wealthy and successful existence is also documented and discussed. If Angelina sneezes, it's because Brad isn't satisfying her sexually. If Jen sneezes, it's because Brad came in her nose. Under these circumstances, I'd return the kids and get another tattoo... Okay, perhaps I'm a cynic who's never slept with Brad Pitt? So shoot me.
Speaking of shooting people, Branjenlina (Brangifer?) are nothing compared to Sid and Nancy. You'd think getting together with a rock star would be fun and glam, right? Wrong! One minute you're drunkenly throwing him your panties and everything is so romantic. Next thing you know you're waking up as he stabs you to death in the stomach with his favourite stabbing knife.
And then there's Dirk Prinsloo and princess Barbie. Freaks! Or Danny K and Lee-Ann, who broke up after fighting over their engagement rings on twitter - nasty. Lee-Ann’s 2010 Valentine’s plans include couples spray-tans with hot new boy, fellow orange-skinned person and model Nicky Van der Walt (or so Gossip Ed. Sam Brighton tells me).
Or Amor and Joost. I wonder what they're up to on Sunday? Playing Finders Snorters with a bag of coke? No wait - Piggy in the Middle?
Yes, life could be worse. But trust me, it can also be better. So if love sucks, consider ending it. As Paul Simon says, there are 50 ways to leave your lover (he underestimated me).
Then once it's done, and you've moved your iPod, underwear and teddy bear to a friend's, come out with me! Everyone I know is busy anyhow, and until I can get the image of that Eveready bunny out of my head, I am still free for lunch.
PS: Read Sam Wilson's blog entry. Her 41 reasons she loves her husband Dreas made me cry all over my keyboard.
Valentine's Day is the one day of the year when - even if you really love being single, and everyone is aware of this - you still get people asking: "What are your plans?" They don't ask because they actually care. They ask so they can tell you what they're doing, with the love of their life.
I'm seriously considering responding: "Oh, that sounds so much more fun than buying a whole bunch of batteries and staying home with the curtains closed. I think I'll join you!"
Luckily, there are rare moments when I can keep my mouth shut. And luckily too, life has taught me that there's something much, much worse than being gratefully single on Valentine's Day.
I once came home from the office to a true love that had only eight months to live. Not him, the relationship (pity about that). I gave him a chocolate heart I'd gotten for free from the marketing department at work. He was playing a computer game. He thanked me and ate it while he killed something: "It's not very good chocolate," he commented, without looking up.
Yes, there's something worse than having no Valentine's plans, and that's having to go through the motions when the romance has clearly died.
Take BranJenLina for instance (please note new spelling). Not only do these poor people have six kids and a love triangle to contend with, but every moment of their miserably wealthy and successful existence is also documented and discussed. If Angelina sneezes, it's because Brad isn't satisfying her sexually. If Jen sneezes, it's because Brad came in her nose. Under these circumstances, I'd return the kids and get another tattoo... Okay, perhaps I'm a cynic who's never slept with Brad Pitt? So shoot me.
Speaking of shooting people, Branjenlina (Brangifer?) are nothing compared to Sid and Nancy. You'd think getting together with a rock star would be fun and glam, right? Wrong! One minute you're drunkenly throwing him your panties and everything is so romantic. Next thing you know you're waking up as he stabs you to death in the stomach with his favourite stabbing knife.
And then there's Dirk Prinsloo and princess Barbie. Freaks! Or Danny K and Lee-Ann, who broke up after fighting over their engagement rings on twitter - nasty. Lee-Ann’s 2010 Valentine’s plans include couples spray-tans with hot new boy, fellow orange-skinned person and model Nicky Van der Walt (or so Gossip Ed. Sam Brighton tells me).
Or Amor and Joost. I wonder what they're up to on Sunday? Playing Finders Snorters with a bag of coke? No wait - Piggy in the Middle?
Yes, life could be worse. But trust me, it can also be better. So if love sucks, consider ending it. As Paul Simon says, there are 50 ways to leave your lover (he underestimated me).
Then once it's done, and you've moved your iPod, underwear and teddy bear to a friend's, come out with me! Everyone I know is busy anyhow, and until I can get the image of that Eveready bunny out of my head, I am still free for lunch.
PS: Read Sam Wilson's blog entry. Her 41 reasons she loves her husband Dreas made me cry all over my keyboard.
