Publications
Partners
Then I realized she was talking about the coma-inducing pseudo-erotica that eTV screen between episodes of Walker, Texarse Ranger. Bummer.
“What if children see that?” she fumed.
“Well, they’d probably be terribly disappointed,” I replied sympathetically. “I know I was.”
The late night softcore “erotica” – if you can even call it that - on eTV makes me feel like I’m 14 again. This is because I was 14 in the sucky ‘80s, when what passed for porn wasn’t porn at all. All we had was Scope magazine, which famously tried to convince adolescent boys that women’s nipples were shaped like stars, making my old Dr Seuss book about the Star-bellied Sneetches seem strangely attractive. If it weren’t for National Geographic magazine and postcards from KwaZulu I think my first date might have ended really badly. Thankfully, we now live in a free country where real pornography is available to anyone who wants it. Of course, some people don’t and would like to see it banned, but perhaps anti-porn people should view porn much in the same way I view the ballet: I think it’s simultaneously repulsive and boring, but I wouldn’t want to live in a country that denies ballet fans their pleasure.
With the ready availability of hardcore, it’s hard to understand why softcore porn even exists. What’s the point of watching implied sex when you can see the real thing? People who oppose pornography aren’t going to watch a softcore movie anyway, and people who like pornography are just going to get frustrated.
Are there actually softcore fans out there going,” Oh wow, it’s such a turn on watching bad actors with silicon tits pretend to have sex. I’m so glad they’re not having sex for real, because that would be disgusting!”
The simulated sex scenes in these movies look like they were directed by a six year old who hasn’t been given “the talk” yet. Women hump men’s chests, as if their penises were in their navels. Men lie behind women, barely moving, as if they were afraid of her vagina. Oral sex scenes are even worse. Men slobber over their partners’ thighs, and women appear to find the fresh air three feet above their partner’s crotch very tasty indeed. You could get more aroused watching an episode of Mythbusters – and probably learn more about the human body while you’re at it.
Much like the swimwear edition of Sports Illustrated, the softcore on eTV is porn for sad cases who want to get off, but don’t have the balls to go out and buy the real deal. Come on, how can someone perv over a hottie in a bikini and not want to see her naked? That’s just sick, and these people need to get help. Maybe when they do eTV will stop this filth, and give us some proper filth. After surviving our pornless past, I think we’ve earned it.
- Chris McEvoy
“What if children see that?” she fumed.
“Well, they’d probably be terribly disappointed,” I replied sympathetically. “I know I was.”
The late night softcore “erotica” – if you can even call it that - on eTV makes me feel like I’m 14 again. This is because I was 14 in the sucky ‘80s, when what passed for porn wasn’t porn at all. All we had was Scope magazine, which famously tried to convince adolescent boys that women’s nipples were shaped like stars, making my old Dr Seuss book about the Star-bellied Sneetches seem strangely attractive. If it weren’t for National Geographic magazine and postcards from KwaZulu I think my first date might have ended really badly. Thankfully, we now live in a free country where real pornography is available to anyone who wants it. Of course, some people don’t and would like to see it banned, but perhaps anti-porn people should view porn much in the same way I view the ballet: I think it’s simultaneously repulsive and boring, but I wouldn’t want to live in a country that denies ballet fans their pleasure.
With the ready availability of hardcore, it’s hard to understand why softcore porn even exists. What’s the point of watching implied sex when you can see the real thing? People who oppose pornography aren’t going to watch a softcore movie anyway, and people who like pornography are just going to get frustrated.
Are there actually softcore fans out there going,” Oh wow, it’s such a turn on watching bad actors with silicon tits pretend to have sex. I’m so glad they’re not having sex for real, because that would be disgusting!”
The simulated sex scenes in these movies look like they were directed by a six year old who hasn’t been given “the talk” yet. Women hump men’s chests, as if their penises were in their navels. Men lie behind women, barely moving, as if they were afraid of her vagina. Oral sex scenes are even worse. Men slobber over their partners’ thighs, and women appear to find the fresh air three feet above their partner’s crotch very tasty indeed. You could get more aroused watching an episode of Mythbusters – and probably learn more about the human body while you’re at it.
Much like the swimwear edition of Sports Illustrated, the softcore on eTV is porn for sad cases who want to get off, but don’t have the balls to go out and buy the real deal. Come on, how can someone perv over a hottie in a bikini and not want to see her naked? That’s just sick, and these people need to get help. Maybe when they do eTV will stop this filth, and give us some proper filth. After surviving our pornless past, I think we’ve earned it.
- Chris McEvoy
