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Defending white boy music

2010-07-08 11:16
Sure, there are always crossovers – Sepultura and Eminem are obvious examples – but these are exceptions that stick out like a clown at a funeral. Picture a thrash metal guitarist, and you’re not going to be imagining someone who could double as an ANC Youth League member. You’re not going to be imagining a woman either, but I digress.

As a direct result of my white, suburban, apartheid-era upbringing, it’s not surprising that I preferred metal over whatever passed for hip-hop in the ‘80s. This isn’t a value judgement – I just thought hip-hop sucked and everyone who liked it was a moron. Sorry. You know how closed-minded and conservative young people can be.

But as soon as I had the means and the transport to paint the town regurgitated red, I realised that metalheads could be pretty moronic too. I distinctly remember standing in a crowded club called Hell (couvert charge R6.66) thinking, who are these people? What can you do during the day when you have tattoos up to your ears and look like you’ve just been shot 20 thousand times in the face with a nailgun? I was later to learn that the answer I was looking for was "work at Exclusive Books", but that’s another story.

It was here (I think) that I met my first AWB supporter, a greasy, insignificant nerd who remains the worst example of white power I’ve ever seen. Mistaking me for a liberal, he started rattling on about how I should respect his opinions and be more tolerant of other people’s blah blah blah... Has anyone here ever been lectured by a neo-Nazi on mutual respect and tolerance? It’s fucking freaky.

I’ve since come to realise that metal music is infested with racist Aryan bullshit – but that’s fine with me. Most white supremacist groups suck anyway, and besides, I’d be a hypocrite if I threw out music simply because I didn’t like their ideas. I like music made by all sorts of crazy people: Xtians, nihilists, murderers and church-burning Satanists all have a place in my music collection.

But I’ve noticed one common thread: they’re all batshit insane. For example, the Xtian music I like was composed by one Hildegard von Bingen, a hallucinating nun from the 12th century. Mental! And I guess I don’t really have to explain the rest. They’re nihilists, murderers and church-burning Satanists. What more do you need to know?

I only draw the line at the boring, the bland, the predictable and the formulaic. The non-weirdoes, basically. Which is why I’d bet my left nut (or the right one, if you prefer) that I wouldn’t enjoy a single bar played by the Parow dwellers that placed this ad on Gumtree (copy-pasted here unedited and in full so nothing’s out of context:

25 35, good sense of humour, lank charisma, must drink beer and hard tack, must look the part, must tune lank, have strong opinions, must prefer the old south africa, must have own transport, must be angry, must be white, english or afrikaans, must be a total mental metal head to the core. Must like, listen to, be able to sing: Slayer, The Haunted, Snot, At The Gates, Lamb of God, Pantera, etc. No death/black metal.

36, 37, 41, we laugh a lot, we have loads of charisma, we drink beer and cider mixed together and we drink tack mixed with anything or on it's own, we have strong opinions and we tune lank kak, we are english white people and we prefer the old south africa, we listen to Slayer, The Haunted, At The Gates, Lamb of God, The Refused, Faith No More, Machine Head, Billy Talent, Pantera, Carnal Forge, Snot, Alexisonfire, Deftones, Tool, Gallows, you get the picture.

We have access to the best studio and award winning producer in the country and will record our second full length album next year. Other than that we have nothing planned.

So if you think you can hack it and work with us, we will certainly give you a try and let's rock out.

e mail us your story if you are keen, and if you don't fit the description - don't bother us.

If that’s a bit tl;dr for you, here’s a summation: racist, ageing, alcoholic bullshitters with anger management issues seek similar, only younger, to sing/scream meaningless metal in their hobby band. No individuals with ideas of their own need apply.

Yup, I think that just about sums it up.

Is it just me, or do these guys sound remarkably like some of the bland, boring bigots addicted to commenting on Media24 websites? Just saying.

They probably think they’re edgy, but to me they sound like walking stereotypes of white South African suburbia. They’re about as Parow as their parents – which makes me strongly suspect they don’t have an original musical note in them, and should be avoided as if they thanked Jesus Christ in their liner notes.

Now I know what you’re thinking, "Chris, you bastard! They have the right to associate with whomever they want!"

Sure they do. And I have the right to say I think they’re intellectually deficient douchebags who have no place in my country, let alone in my favourite genre of music.

Just a personal opinion for the tolerant to respect. publishes all comments posted on articles provided that they adhere to our Comments Policy. Should you wish to report a comment for editorial review, please do so by clicking the 'Report Comment' button to the right of each comment.

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