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Deflowering the bouquet

2010-02-26 13:14
When I heard DSTV was considering an extra-pay porn channel in response to consumer demand, I felt it was my civil duty to investigate the state of our sexual nation. This meant I needed to watch some porn... again.

I'd last watched any porn lifetimes ago. It was shortly after it was unbanned in SA. And based on the recent consumer outrage over DSTV's investigations into adding an extra-cost, opt-in item to their bouquet, I was concerned porn had changed for the worse. According to irate readers of this article, all porn had recently come to advocate rape, child abuse, and the destruction of family values.

And here I thought it just advocated really kak music!

I didn't want to spend too much money investigating the issue, so I purchased an hour of alone-time with local flick Kwaai Naai, in a booth at a sex shop, for R40. After some confusion among the helpful staff, I was assigned Booth No. 3 - I guess they don't get a lot of girls.

Booth No. 3 smelt kinda funky. Not good-funky. Anyhow, I waited, alone in the dark, listening to the mundane sounds of Adult World in Long Street, for the main feature to begin, looking around me as my eyes adjusted.

"PLEASE DO NOT URINATE IN THE BINS", a laminated (wipeable?) sign tacked to the wall politely requested.

Kwaai Naai is a full-length, fully hardcore porno made in South Africa, in Afrikaans. It's probably the first real local porno ever made. Afrikaners, it appears, have not lost their pioneering spirit. First the Groot Trek, and now the er... groot trek... Fok voort! Mense.

Whatever. So here I was, sitting on a white plastic chair, feeling weird until the movie finally started. I don't want to ruin it for you, so I won't tell you if they get married in the end. But I will a bit about the beginning, because I bet you're curious.  

Curious to know: is local porn any different to the stuff from America? And is it any good? Can we do it?

Turns out that, surprise surprise, pussy is pussy. In fact, even in Afrikaans, apparently it's called pussy - at least according to the tasty actress with the brown hair who stars in the first act as a horny housewife (no ring, though – is that a goof?)

The movie opens with the "housewife" hiring a "landscaper" and then firing him up to sexual peaks with various "landscape" insinuations that continue far too long. I cannot tell you how many times I cursed Christian National Education for enabling me to comprehend the ludicrous dialogue.

Only a kiss? It begins innocently enough, but she soon puts the "hoe" back in "landscaping."

Is Kwaai Naai erotic? Yes, people having full-on, penetrative (i.e. "hardcore" whether it's a tongue or a tool) sex is usually a turn-on when nobody's there to judge you, even if it's not a turn-on that you emotionally enjoy. Is it well made? Surprisingly so, yes. It's filmed like an old-style 70s porno but with better cameras, real boobs, natural-look light, genuine ingrown hairs and some rather-too-natural pimples on the built dude's arse. It has South African furniture and sies-fabric scatter cushions on the bed. Like all effective porn, it doesn't take itself too seriously, and everyone seems really into shagging – perhaps because they're just talented amateurs with day jobs recruited over the internet, according to filmmaker Johann Greef.

So let's hope that DSTV, if they do go ahead with a channel that shows softcore before 9pm and hardcore thereafter, will fund a push for more local content, even if it means they'll be branded volksvernaaiers.

I didn't see how Kwaai Naai ended, or who hooked up next. I got tired of other customers trying to come into the booth and plus, the in-store music really sucked (I'm into folk/world).

Despite the sign (who the hell pees in a dustbin?!) I also felt a little soiled by the stench of 1000+ previous business lunch breaks, and though the shiny snail-trails on the wall might just be a bad paint job, they also could be a naughty paint job. There is only one way to find out, and even for the sake of quality journalism, Mr Greenfield, that's going a bit... too... far... to quote Debbie.

True blue
: Kwaai Naai is the real thing.

After 20 minutes, I sneaked out into the daylight, shielding my eyes against the dusty Cape South Easter, ignoring the perve on the pavement who slutted "you tasty lady", I asked myself: Do I mind if DSTV put porn on TV?

The answer: Not really. I see more gratuitous rape and sexism, and less consent, in the average violent war movie or classic James Bond than in most mainstream porn, in which women are portrayed as the primary seducers. And at least we'll cut down on repeat broadcasts.

Would I buy porn? No – I've been there, done that, swapped my ex the couch for the record player.

Do I think pornography's harmful to society? In the wrong hands, if the industry got too powerful, or were forced underground, yes. Likewise, I think the stripping and prostitution industry needs more regulation – not more criminalisation. Like every business, it should be about the workers.

Do I want to put porn in South African homes? Well, that's hardly up to me! Thanks to the internet, it's there anyhow. When Dad's working late, what's he really doing? Don't ask him, 'cause he won't tell you, kids. But let's just say you're probably not the only one who calls him "daddy". At least, not in his fantasies. Wouldn't it be better if he watched it with Mommy, and then they did that thing that people who really, really love each other do, afterwards? I think so – but call me crazy if you insist.

Or evil.

According to a recent press release from the Christian Action Network (CAN) regarding DSTV's user survey, Jesus Himself thinks pornographers should be tossed into the sea with a millstone around their necks. Now, I just think Jesus overreacted, or CAN misunderstood Jesus, just as they misunderstood Invictus but either way, after 2010 years, it's time to move on, since we're all outta millstones.

No you can't!
CAN activists give eTV a hard time. eTV has since stopped showing soft core porn.

Here's the thing: pornography can be addictive, and sex addiction can kill you and those you love (AIDS is real). But expensive wine can kill you too.

My final thought? Grow up. Let's manage our own lives, and our own pleasures. As long as the things that turn you on are consensually produced, honestly discussed in your relationship, and blocked from kids too young or dumb to break the DSTV security code, it's not my job to tell you what's a sin. I'm pretty sure God's also got better things to do that look down your underpants, even if you're filming it.

But!  And I mean this: Please pee in the toilet – IN THE TOILET – if you ever wind up in my house. And lift the seat first.

Some further reading:

CAN's statement, published in full and un-edited, and the News24 article based on it

Johan from Funkyfrog's correspondence with a disapproving lady in Krugersdorp, published in full and unedited. publishes all comments posted on articles provided that they adhere to our Comments Policy. Should you wish to report a comment for editorial review, please do so by clicking the 'Report Comment' button to the right of each comment.

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