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Grim celeb fairy tales

2010-03-19 16:35
Celebs want to be famous, and they want to be treated like your friend. Now that's just asking too much.

I received an irate email the other day, from the PR of a local gossip mag. The PR objected mostly to two things: Firstly, they were pissed that our gossip writer called Big Pink Fonts*  a "gossip mag". Secondly, the PR objected to us light-heartedly dubbing a certain bronzed celebrity babe a "fame whore" (because she SMSed the news of her engagement to the magazine's editor). They were also angry we had mentioned rumours (only rumours) that the celeb had cut her cake into more than one piece while engaged to her previous man-babe. The magazine threatened to sue us and fire the PR. Not for doing anything against media law, of course, but just for being meanies.

I'll admit it, we often are mean. We don't work for the celebrities. We work for you, the readers, to bring you the gossip hotter, faster and tastier. Sometimes celebrities get burned in the process. And of course they have feelings too. But them crying themselves to sleep over a front page spread isn't really of much concern to us.

How do I sleep at night? Well, the answer is the same way your parents did, after they read you your nightly bedtime fairytale. Celebrities' lives are just like fairytales, in both good and bad ways. They appear exciting, filled with beautiful characters and magical events. They're also full of dangers ; lessons and learning about life – lessons that are repeated endlessly in the public lives of the rich and famous for our illumination. 

Here's an obvious example: Hansel and Gretel in which two naughty but naïve kids follow a trail of cookies deep into the forest until they get to a house of candy where an evil old lady tries to cook and eat them. Now, if that isn't about drug addiction...  Listen up to the story of Amy and Blake, Whitney and Bobby, Kate and Peter, JubJub and Themba T.  If that mythical Emperor had only had honest advisors, he would have found out in time that his new clothes didn't provide a lot of coverage. 

Mariah Carey is an expert at playing the game, as was Michael Jackson, as was Naomi Campbell, as is any other dolled-up diva. Roll out the red carpet. Make sure everything is perfect for her starring role in Princess and the Pea or she's going to scream blue murder, fire your ass - or sommer give you a lekker klap.

Princess and the Frog has plenty to teach "girl next door" Sandra Bullock, who after kissing Jesse James  for quite a while has finally discovered that in real life, the transformation from frog to prince happens the other way round too.  Unlike our local zzz-listers, however, Sandra understands how things work and hasn't bothered to contact us to complain about the story we wrote.

Joost and Amor recently starred in The Emperors New Clothes meets Cinderella, except that nobody was wearing shoes, only the sock had to fit, and the three ugly sisters won.

Speaking of porn, Snow White's near-death had nothing to do with poison apples. The truth is, she  nearly died of exhaustion. You would too if you shared a bed with seven socially dysfunctional dwarves for a while, as Ludmilla Antonova did when she starred in the adult version of the movie, Biancanevi  e i Sette Nani (1995), directed by Italian Luca Damiano.  Look out, Paris Hilton.

Rumpelstiltskin? Rumpelstiltskin? Lock up your daughters if you don't know Die Antwoord!

Jack and the Beanstalk is most obvious of all, of course. It's all about the dangers of capitalising on your opportunities, as have famous entrepreneurs like Donald Trump, and Celebrity Chefs like Gordon Ramsay. The higher you climb, the harder you fall. Of course, after our hero cuts down the beanstalk to defeat the evil giant, there's a sequel: Jack and the Beanstalk II, in which they themselves become the big guy bean-counters who eat little people.

So here's the question: What IS fair in media and gossip whore-dom? When is taking the piss out of public figures an unfair invasion of privacy, and  when is it actually in the public interest?

Well, celebrities, I think that's up to you. Think of people like me as the Wolf in Three Little Pigs. If you build your house of straw or sticks, I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house down. You should expect no mercy. But if you build it out of bricks, I'll soon be the one feeling the er... heat

* Big Pink Fonts is a false name used to disguise this magazine's true identity. We're sure you'll never guess who we mean. publishes all comments posted on articles provided that they adhere to our Comments Policy. Should you wish to report a comment for editorial review, please do so by clicking the 'Report Comment' button to the right of each comment.

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