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Guest Columnists

4 Ways to Avoid the Paparazzi

2013-07-11 12:03
If I were a celeb, I'd hate the paparazzi too.

Those guys are like minions unleashed by the devil to do works of destruction on poor celebrities. Kanye West has every right to swear at them and occasionally beat them because they're so annoying.

I can't imagine what SA celebs would do if the paparazzi was a common thing here in our beautiful land. My guess is that the paparazzi would land in hospital frequently as they would get beaten up or mysteriously run over by angry celebs. Thank God that the SA tabloid sector is a tad bit sensible.

So, after watching countless international celebs attempt to duck, dive and run away from the paps, I thought of very creative ways that they could use to run away from the flashing cameras and inappropriate questions of these minions.

Now bear in mind, dear celebs, that these ways might seem a little strange, but once you get a hang of them, the strangeness will seem pretty normal.

1. Wear a big hat and huge sunglasses

This is already done by most of the celebs, so to spice it up a bit, I’d recommend a sombrero instead of a normal big, flappy hat and extra-large black shades just for fun. You would look like a comedic fugitive, but I think that dressing up like this would start a fashion trend that could grow to be quite popular. Dressing up like you’re a cast member of Prison Break could prove to be quite fun and profitable in the long run, and I’m pretty sure that the paps wouldn’t give you a second glance as they would think that you’re just a normal person trying to look like a run-away Speedy Gonzalez.

2. Wear a chicken suit

It’s the best form of disguise, even though you’d get many strange looks from fellow humans as it’s not yet conventional to walk around in a chicken suit. Perhaps you’ll get attacked by many toddlers who think that Sesame Street characters have come to town to play the fool, but at least it won’t be the paparazzi. You could even tick this off your bucket list because it’s pretty cool to know that you walked around in public wearing a chicken suit at least once in your lifetime.

3. Run in public

This might be a tad bit psychotic, but run through public places as if you’re being chased by someone. This always startles people because they don’t know what to do when someone dashes across them in a flash. The paparazzi won’t have time to capture an image of you. The downfall of this is that running in public after having a scrumptious lunch or dinner could prove difficult as your body is in no mood to do some forced exercise. But if you have to run, make a dash for it.

4. Scream 'lion' while they're surrounding you

This always works in movies so I’m pretty sure that it’ll do well in real life. No one really wants to be eaten by lions roaming around aimlessly in the city, so they’ll definitely pay attention to your scream for cover. This will work perfectly if you have someone dressed up as an actual lion so that the cry for cover is more believable. The paparazzi will disperse in different directions as they try to save their own lives, leaving you to go about your business with no flashing lights from cameras or inappropriate questions.

These methods of avoiding the paparazzi have no yet been tried and tested, so any celeb that feels revolutionary could try them out and give me some feedback on how well they work. And seeing as celebs would give anything to have the paparazzi off their backs, I’m pretty sure that I’ll get feedback very soon.

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