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Hotness - or Notness?

2009-11-27 13:29
Candice, for those who don't know, is a leading member of the Secret Anarchist Conspiracy (SAC) aiming to topple global corporations by targeting employees with distracting, safe-for-work photographs of unbelievably sexy people.

Their revolutionary strategy was initiated many decades ago, before we even had the interweb, with public beauty contests such as Miss World / Miss South Africa / Miss Tropika /  Miss Petting Zoo, etc, and has since taken various new forms, ranging from comparison-tool social networks like Hot or Not to closed kwazi-fascist systems like, where only those voted in are permitted to even gaze upon the gorgeous members, or attempt to interbreed.

Ok, I may be joking about the conspiracy. But the truth is, we humans do spend hours and hours looking at other less human people. We sit at our desks staring at celebrities, and even stalking their children as they grow up, because surely, we think, the child of Tomcat or Brangelina can only be a vision of loveliness? It's only a matter of time before someone uploads an online java clock calculating how long you need to wait before Shiloh turns 18.

New trends target even innocent teenage girls through para-porn like Twilight, as well as gay men and straight women with contests such as Cosmo's Sexiest man.  And people like me - who're naturally competitive - also spend a great deal of their time eyeing out the competition. Hands up guys: did you take a look at Ryk Neethling's Heat Hot 100 photo and interview? I bet you will – just to find out what the buff bastard's got on you.  The answer, by the way, is approximately 599 sit-ups per day.

Unfortunately, all well-intentioned leftist campaigns have negative consequences too. For instance, did you know the ANC's funding needs helped fuel the drug trade and build the gang system we have today? Likewise, the downside of the SAC using sexual urges to cripple capitalism from the inside is this: For some people to be as hot as hell, others need to be categorised as ugly as sin, or past their sell-by date.

So in a world that worships beauty, we also spend a great deal of time pointing at people and mocking them for not being as beautiful as... well as some other people.

Take Susan Boyle, who the paunchy but cute DJ Fresh recently described on radio as being "slightly less repulsive" after her recent makeover. The poor woman can't do anything about her looks, yet we think that just because she's in the public eye, she has some obligation to be pleasing. And remember Michelle Pfeiffer, one of the most celebrated Hollywood beauties of the 80s and 90s? Well in her latest film, Cheri, she plays a former courtesan whose charms are fading. At age 51 she's better looking than I'll be at that age. But of course, some asshole managed to snap a photo of her pulling a face, and post it online. Headlined "The picture that reveals Michelle Pfeiffer's age has finally caught up with her", the only thing yuckier than the article itself, is this comment posted by some hairy cretin called John: "Yep, seems like that's another former beauty on the scrap heap. Total respect to The Mail for reminding us men what we're in for if we get married. You marry a young beauty, and finish up with a granny."

It's a weird world where - provided they have money - insecure men whose egos need feeding can go complain about their wives in strip clubs while feeling entitled to R300 lapdances from 19-year-old Russian strippers. Rich women don't have it as easy, but they can go on "Safari" for a few weeks and return looking 10 years younger (though probably not as young as the women their husbands are paying  top dollar for frottage). 

And the result is that, bizarrely, I don't fear death. Instead, I fear being 50. publishes all comments posted on articles provided that they adhere to our Comments Policy. Should you wish to report a comment for editorial review, please do so by clicking the 'Report Comment' button to the right of each comment.

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