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Koos Kombuis

A very open letter to Charlize

2011-06-22 09:15
Liewe Mejuffou Theron,
Oh, hell, that was way too much information.
Dearie me, meisie, I know you probably meant well when you confessed having diarrhoea for seven days running during a charity visit to South Africa. I know you probably didn’t mean that South Africa made you sick as such. I realise it was probably just something you ate on the plane. But still. Charlize, Charlize! A nee a!
If there’s one image I don’t need before my mind’s eye right now, it’s the vision of you sitting on the toilet. Charlize, you are supposed to be a goddess! Even if you are from the East Rand! You are not supposed to ever have a shit, or fart, or squeeze out a pimple, or do any of the revolting things we normal humans do! Your legs are supposed to stay smooth and hairless without you ever having to shave them! Why, why, why did you have to tell us that? I am disillusioned. To me, you are no longer standing on your Hollywood pedestal. You are in a crouching position on an entirely different kind of pedestal, somewhat lower!
Then again, well… maybe there IS a deeper, more spiritual side to the story. You mentioned that having diarrhoea “gave you perspective”. Perspective on life? Perspective on recycling? Perspective on what, exactly? Perhaps you meant you got perspective on the kerk-almanak that hung on the back of the door of the toilet (most South African homes have those). It’s a pity you didn’t share with us what exactly your perspectives were, Charlize! I’m sure they were very interesting!
Be that as it may, if a runny tummy helped you to get perspective, good for you. I recently had diarrhoea, too, after eating too many over-ripe figs, and I got so much perspective from the experience that I wrote a column about it for Kaap-Rapport. I can’t remember now what the perspectives were, or even the name of the column – if I did, I would have loved to e-mail you the link – but yes, it’s true, we celebrities all sometimes make the mistake of revealing way too much about our private lives (not that I’m anyway near your celebrity status, natuurlik, but shit happens to everyone). I think we do it for different reasons. Some of us do it to make money, or to grab the headlines, while others do because we really feel like being honest about ourselves and because we would like to remind our fans out there that we are, after all, only human.
It was like the time Marianne Keyes admitted she had been suffering from depression for years. It wasn’t something we wanted to hear, of course, it spoilt our vision of Marianne Keyes as a successful and accomplished writer, but, in retrospect, yes, come to think of it, it also made her seem a bit more real.
Having admitted to your spell of diarrhoea, you are more real to me now, Charlize, I guess. You are no longer the Charlize Theron with your name in lights. You are once again Charlize Theron from Benoni. And in a way that’s nogal kind of nice to know.
Have you tried Imodium? I never travel without it. Ask your mom for some next time you’re in SA, she’s sure to have some stacked away in her badkamerkassie. And don’t eat too many of those little packets of peanuts they give you on international flights.
Lotsa love,
Jou fên,

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