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Miley’s Smiley

2010-06-17 12:55
Please don’t feel sorry for me – I deserve nothing less. Here is my confession: as I write this, I have child pornography on my hard drive. Yes, I know. I’m a sick, twisted pervert.

I’m looking at it right now, actually. The victim in this unspeakable evidence of child abuse is quite hot, if you’re into the just-woke-up-and-still-slightly-confused slutty chipmunk look. Innocent and unaware of what’s happening to her, she’s climbing out of a red convertible, surrounded by witnesses (who will no doubt be cutting deals with the district attorney in the very near future), vainly attempting to conceal her innocence beneath the meagre gossamer rag I suspect she was forced to wear by an unscrupulous minder.

Yes, it’s that bastion of childhood innocence and Disneyesque morality, Miley Cyrus, in her first ever panty-free, upskirt fanny flash. Aww, bless! They grow up so fast these days, don’t they? It seems like just the other day Mickey’s minions were freaking out because she exposed her naked back in a magazine cover photo shoot. Now she looks like she’s two short steps away from grinding her ass against some dude in a bar like a shivering hooker whose next hit of crack depended on it.

Oh, wait... She’s done that already. My bad.

The damnable photograph was first published (I’ll eschew the word 'leaked') by the infamous gossip columnist Perez Hilton, a man who’s managed to get himself invited to all the A-list parties by talking smack about everyone else on the guest list. A celebrity himself, his relationship with his fellow-camera whores is at best a co-dependent, love-hate quandary. He’s also one of those OTT writers people love to hate (I grok that), so the public outcry was predictably hilarious.

"I hope they lock him up and throw away the key!" was one of the many outraged clichés regurgitated and splattered all across the intertubes in response to Hilton’s Twitter post. He was accused of owning and distributing child pornography in a self-serving act of self-aggrandisement. "What about the children?! blah blah blah..."

All true, of course. Cyrus and her accompanying vagina are just a few months short of 18 years old, that magical midnight hour when an American child instantly transforms from an innocent, untouchable cherub into legally viable porno fodder.

The system in South Africa is slightly different, as I understand it. Here, the age of sexual consent for women is 16 (for men it’s 18), but the age of porno consent is still 18 for both. This means that if you have a 16-year-old girlfriend, you can legally dress up like Batman, grease her down like a pig and turn on the bubble machine for some sweet, sweet love, but if you haul out the cellphone camera at the height of passion, hey presto! You’re suddenly a child pornographer. Oh, and if you’re a 17-year-old guy or a 15-year-old girl, you’re being raped. Is it me, or is that weird? Probably both. But maybe we should be thinking about coming up with some new terms here.

The difference between Miley Cyrus’ debutante crotch shot and actual child pornography is like the difference between a little boy who pulls his sister’s pigtails and a mass murderer in a semen-crusted clown suit. Cyrus has made good money slutting it up onstage – and props to her for doing whatever the hell she does that’s turned her baby-fat ass into a jailbait penis shrine.

It’s not like unfortunate circumstances have forced her into acting like an underage stripper with a harelip. Her father once sang for three and a half minutes, and as a result, she grew up in a mansion. Sure, there were probably still wrecked cars propped up on bricks on her front lawn, but hey, you can’t take the trailer out of the trash. And why would anyone want to? After watching Britney Spears’ trajectory from Disney to demented, it’s obviously great entertainment watching Hollywood hillbillies crash and burn.

The only difference between this photograph and the rest of Cyrus’ output is that this time, for some odd reason, she doesn’t want anyone to masturbate. Or does she?

"Isn't it funny how things that are so negative have to come out right before my record?" she told an interviewer. "All I can do is focus on the positive and that I hope this record does well."

I’ve no doubt it will. In the transient world of bubblegum pop, there’s nothing wrong with an unhealthy dollop of ephebophilia. publishes all comments posted on articles provided that they adhere to our Comments Policy. Should you wish to report a comment for editorial review, please do so by clicking the 'Report Comment' button to the right of each comment.

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