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Rampant Alien Nation

2009-08-28 12:54
Right... sorry...  I've just got to burst your bubble here, people. That's all. Complete. Bullshit.

Models, "Shmodels", or "clothing racks" - call them what you like - DO look great without makeup. They DO look great in real life. And even if sleeping with them gives you bruises from all the sharp bits, they DO look awesome naked. I know this, because I went backstage at a Cape Town Fashion Week show so I've seen them naked (or in a G-String or tighty whities) for myself. And I say any guy (or girl) who claims they prefer "a woman with more curves" is just trying to make sure you don't change your mind about sleeping with them after you've eaten dinner.

But here's the tricky thing:  Although models are undeniably beautiful, and their mournful-looking eyes, fluid movements and the strange European tribal dialects are charming, I'm not at all certain that they are, in fact, human.

There's been a lot of talk of aliens lately, thanks to the eardrum-bursting buzz around District 9. And that got me thinking about the movie aliens I've known and loved. And anthropology 101 explains why movie aliens have always been really creepy-looking - we imagined them that way so that they could represent our fears and our, wait for it, alienation from other cultures, so they changed with the times. In the 50s they were green (nuclear) or looked like black people, in the 70s they were foetal (birth control?) and in the 80s they had huge eyes (you're being watched) . E.T. was the closest any of them came to cute. Now? Well, they look like giant insects, representing our fear of nature and natural disasters. 

I don't buy this insect thing, though. Are you telling me that a species that's mastered intergalactic travel and mind control is going to be too retarded to shape-shift?

The way I see it, real aliens will choose to be as beautiful as inhumanly possible. Being beautiful would make it much easier for them to insinuate themselves into our culture, for the purpose of interbreeding and integrating. They will have figured out that humans are suckers for sexiness, and that humans have always wrongly assumed that something beautiful is more deserving of love than something that is not.

They're using our own vanity to manipulate us, of course. We prefer to identify ourselves (and humanity) with cute things because we believe we're "worth it". Of course, this is complete nonsense.  We're not worth it. We're just a bunch of suckers, stupid enough to actually purchase alien abduction insurance – as if. Why would aliens abduct us into their homes when they can simply disguise themselves as Cindy Crawford, do us in our own beds, and leave us with the laundry?

Of course, they can't manage everything. So they tend to be overly perfect, and there are ways to identify them. You can also spot any alien by the fact that they don't eat any solid food, and instead survive on a diet of vitamin mineral water, champagne, and a few other substances, which are ingested via their nasal passages.
Now I know some smartass guy's going to come with "Well, my girlfriend's a model, and she eats everything." So let me rebuff that before you bother. She may eat. But have you ever seen her swallow? Think about it...  And if you have, I'm devastated to inform you that she isn't really a model. Or an alien.

It makes sense, right?

Now I realise that despite the flawless logic of my argument, not everyone is going to believe me. But one day, when the revolution comes, you'll be glad of the warning. And look on the bright side: there's now hope that you'll finally get an anal probe from someone hot.

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