Rob van Vuuren

The magic of threesomes

2011-07-28 07:45
There is a terrifying moment in the latest and final instalment of the Harry Potter franchise when you feel that it might just be too much.

No, it's not when, at the end of the film, you see those pesky kids all grown-up and realise that as adults, Ron is a ginger man with a paunch and Harry looks pervy standing next to children.

And no, its not the moment when you reflect on the fact that these movies have made about as much money for Warner Bros as Rupert Murdoch has to spend on his lawyer.

Its also not the moment of outrage when you sit there watching little Hermione Granger act her face off as you rage against the fact that the Hollywood Associated Press doesn’t have a "Most Earnest Face Acting in a Scene" award at the Oscars, because dammit man if there isn’t, this girl is going to pull a muscle for nothing.

No, the moment I’m talking about is way more sinister. It’s the moment after they escape from the bank on the back of a giant albino dragon (which is how I’ve always wanted to exit Absa) and jump off into an icy looking lake somewhere in magic land and, after swimming to the grassy embankment, begin to undress.

Strip


That’s the moment when you feel this reeling behemoth of popular culture begins to teeter like one of the giants being felled by the exploding laser wand magic of the good guys protecting Dr X’s school of magic. The filmmakers sense that this is that moment too and they push it for all its worth.

The camera begins to circle these three children we’ve watched grow up as they begin to strip. It’s dizzying, arousing and scary all at the same time. Like when Candice Hillebrand posed for FHM but this time with smaller boobs and two guys thrown in (maybe Trompie and the guy who played Die Swart Kat).

When you think about it, it was inevitable really; the Hermione, Ron, Harry threesome. I wouldn’t be surprised if they had played a couple of games of "Brokeback Wizards and Witches" when they were stuck in that tent in the last film. I mean come on, they’re teenagers on the verge of adulthood facing almost certain doom whilst hiding out in a magical tent…what would you do?

Orgy

But I digress, back to that moment.

There is a definite relief when you notice that no matter how much the camera swirls or the music builds, Hermione is not taking her top off and we are not going to have to be subjected to some kind of Freudian Potter orgy.

"Harry Does Hogwarts" would be the proverbial step too far I think. Instead we must simply endure the reveal of these two pasty young torsos as they shiver and plot their next course of action against You Know What. And no, I’m not talking about Voldemort (beautifully played by Ralph Fiennes who seems to be having about as much fun as a man can have without a nose). I’m talking about the inevitable career-death that seems to follow child stardom.

Read more on:    rob van vuuren  |  harry potter  |  columnists

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