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Vanessa Haywood

A royal affair

2011-07-13 06:15
So I'm a royalist and I'm not afraid to say it! I remember it like it was yesterday; sitting in our farmhouse living room (I must have been 4) with my mum, watching Diana, the Princess of Wales wed her Prince Charming, Charles.

Ok, so it didn't quite work out. In fact it all ended rather tragically, but this doesn't stop me from wanting to secretly gorge Kate Middleton's eyes out with a spoon. I mean, which girl doesn't want to be a princess?

I rushed home a few weeks back to try catch as much of the royal wedding on television as possible, only to discover that I had in fact missed most of it. I had been at a bloody audition and even though they had a TV on in the office, I didn't get to see much whilst waiting my turn. I didn't get the job, which renders my attending the auditions and missing the entire first half of the wedding of the century completely useless! The least the producers of Dinosaur (some BBC rip-off of Jurassic Park) could have done is given me the role due to the fact that I had specially made their audition! They are British after all! I'm sure THEY were all watching the wedding!

Which brings me to the festivities in Monaco.

Now, I don't mean to be rude, but I'd rather not be Her Serene Highness The Princess of Monaco, fomerly known as Charlene Wittstock, for many reasons.

Prince William is rather easy on the eye, despite the very obvious balding patch on his head, but Prince Albert on the other hand is 53 (just short of my dad's age and 20 years older than Charlene), completely bald and not exactly a Men's Health cover model. He also has three love children from previous flings, one of which has just recently surfaced. DNA testing has not yet taken place because the baby's not been born… which would mean he had an affair. Has this guy never heard of a condom?

Was it just my imagination or did Charlene look anything but happy at her nuptials? If I were getting married, I'd be beaming from ear to ear. Charlene, however, looked like she was dying a slow death. In her defence though, it was quite possibly the most boring thing I have ever watched on television in my entire life!

Note to self: learn to speak French.

I was initially watching the Stormers game and planned on witnessing the Crusaders get crushed by our boys but when things took a turn for the worse, I found myself flicking backwards and forwards between the wedding and the rugby. I’m still not sure which was worse. Either way, it was 2 or 3 hours of my life which I will never get back.

So Prince Charles buggered up, losing the most gorgeous princess that ever lived and is now married to the "horse"; Prince William married the rather sweet and beautiful Kate Middleton and Prince Albert has wed our South African Olympic swimmer.

Where does that leave me? Prince-less. Unless of course I start hanging out with the King of Swaziland, but his 49 other wives might get jealous. And Harry just got a new girlfriend! Sigh...

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