So please, feel free to dismiss what I’m about to say about your religion as the psychotic frothing of a Satanic communist. After all, everyone is entitled to have their own opinion, so long as they have them quietly and don’t disrupt the person sitting in the cubicle next to them.

But I have to practice diplomacy on a daily basis because I'm an atheist living in a Christian country. Now don't try to argue: I know this to be true because the proof of Christianity's existence is all around us. Sure, there are Muslims and Jews in South Africa too, but South African Judaism is just as white and suburban as my own family, and the entire nation of Islam is about as influential in my life as the next door neighbour's portable alarm clock set to go off very, very early.

Christianity, on the other hand, is ubiquitous, and its followers don't even have the decency to run for the skirting boards when you walk into the kitchen and turn on the light. A preacher threatening you with Jesus' love on a street corner while you're out trying to shop is no less intrusive and about as bleakly amusing as a poodle dry-humping your leg while you’re trying to have a polite conversation with your mother-in-law. What's much worse is that a farmer-turned-preacher (who still dresses like a farmer anyway) like Angus Buchan can suddenly arrive on the scene and sell more stadium tickets than a bleached American pop star without so much as a row of slutty backing singers to pull in the punters.

It's phenomenal. And by phenomenal, I mean depressing. Hasn't Christianity been dumbed down enough already?

Buchan’s rising star is powered by patriarchy, homophobia and reasonably accurate weather forecasts. He is anti-divorce, and pro-corporal punishment for the kiddies, because according to Buchan, Jesus wants you to assault your children when they get stroppy. In a stunning display of patronising sexism, Buchan also believes men should be the "head" of the household and "protect" their wives. He also thinks homosexuality is a repugnancy to be "cured" by prayer, and if you were having any doubts, he tells you when it's going to rain next. The fact that he’s often right has nothing to do with the fact that he's been a farmer for decades, of course. The man is so conservative even some fundamentalist Christians think he’s Satan in khakis. One particularly disturbing website even goes so far as to suggest that Buchan is the Anti-Christ. Yes, he's that popular.

If this were a sane world, Buchan would be living as a cave-dwelling hermit who talks to his own boogers. By all rights, he should have the same cultural impact as the Flat Earth Society, Joseph Merrick or Jermaine Jackson: a harmless freak show to evoke nothing more than mild pity and revulsion.

But for better or worse, this is South Africa, where intolerance comes dressed as morality, and what appears to be solidarity is nothing more than mass stupidity. And if that offends you, just pretend I was talking about Jacob Zuma.

- Chris McEvoy

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