Bond's 10 Silliest Quips

Since Ian Fleming was clearly a horny twelve-year-old boy with a chip on his shoulder, the babes are charmed into bed, the villains secretly wish they were that witty, and he never gets the well-deserved ridicule any normal teenager would if they tried such humour in front of their friends.

Here are the top ten most ridiculous *nudge, nudge, wink, wink* things to come out the mouth of the man who has saved the world more times than I’ve bought new shoes, and single-handedly made it cool for men to be chauvinistic wankers.

1. You Only Live Twice (1967) – James and his aptly named sexy martial arts companion, Tiger Tanaka, pick up a pursuing car with a huge magnet suspended by a helicopter and let it fall into the sea. Tiger quips, "How’s that for Japanese efficiency?" to which James glibly replies, "Just a drop in the ocean."

The correct response would be something like: "Get out of my helicopter, you smug bastard. You can ponder all the great British technological innovations of the last twenty years on the bus ride back to HQ. Idiot."

2. On Her Majesty’s Secret Service (1969) – When Irma Bunt enquires about James’ face as another girl writes a message on his thigh, under the table, he remarks, "Just a slight stiffness coming on… in the shoulder."

I didn’t know fourteen-year-old boys could be secret agents.

3. Tomorrow Never Dies (1997) – After flinging a henchman into a printing press to be crushed to death, James utters the gem, "They’ll print anything these days!"

Is it just me or is there something very disturbing about following a brutal murder up with such a breezy joke? Show some bloody respect, Bond.

4. From Russia with Love (1963) – This isn’t a pun, but it is a great example of James’ constant stream of smutty innuendo that would constitute as severe and pervasive sexual harassment in the real world.

Tatiana Romanov: "I think my mouth is too big."
James: "I think it’s just the right size… for me, that is!"

You’ll be shocked to learn he didn’t have even a single drunk friend nearby to high five.

5. Diamonds are Forever (1971) – James is about to make love to Plenty O'Toole (yes, you read that right) when they are surrounded by armed henchmen. Mere mortals might panic in the face of their immanent death, but not Bond.

"Well I’m afraid you’ve caught me with more than my hands up!" is all he has to say before his lover is hurled out of the high rise hotel window.

If I was one of those henchmen, I’d have disobeyed orders and shot him dead right there, just to prevent him cracking another joke about his genitals.

6. The World is Not Enough (1999) – Denise Richards plays Dr Christmas Jones, named solely for the sake of incurring Bond’s incessant puns, including:

"I was wrong about you – I thought Christmas only comes once a year", as he lies in bed with her, and the equally cringe-worthy : "I’ve always wanted to have Christmas in Turkey."

Oscar Wilde or Benny Hill? You decide.

7. Dr. No (1962) – Upon arriving at the British Consulate with the corpse of the chauffeur/double agent in the back seat, the ever ghoulish James quips, "Sergeant, make sure he doesn’t get away."

I know it’s just a joke, but considering the circumstances, does he realise that at best it makes him look like a cold hearted killer, and at worst a cannibal or necrophiliac – or both?

8. Thunderball (1965) – James enters a room unannounced, and finds Fiona Volpe in the bath.

Fiona: "Aren’t you in the wrong room, Mr Bond?"
James: "Not from where I’m standing!"

Later she tries to kill him, as she is an enemy agent, but I can’t help thinking that perhaps her orders were just to collect data and the whole murder thing was the justifiable outcome of James’ smug attitude and infantile sense of humour.

9. A View to a Kill (1985) – James spends the night with May Day, the villainous Max Zorin’s henchwoman.

Max Zorin: "You slept well?"
James: "A little restless, but I got off eventually."

As Max Zorin is doubtlessly plotting world domination, James refrains from giving a high five, but the intention is still there.

10. Moonraker (1979) – This one of the more ludicrous Bond movies, combining sci-fi technology, a plot crazier than Charles Manson, a heroine called Holly Goodhead, and also a cheesy one-liner in almost every scene.

James hurls a henchman through a stained glass window into a piano recital below, leaving the audience gasping in horror at the dead man’s naked legs protruding from the piano. Before he flees, he smugly comments, "Play it again, Sam!"

Later he hurls the villain, Drax, out of a space station airlock, he comes out with, "Take a giant step for mankind!"

As if that isn’t enough, he responds to an enquiry about Drax with "He had to fly."

Uttering puns this regularly is a sure sign of deep seated depression, and I wouldn’t be surprised if he cried himself to sleep every night, presumably while also drunk.

- Ivan Sadler

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