Friday the 13th

2010-08-12 15:57
Anton Marshall

What better way to celebrate today than take a look back at one of slasher horror's most enduring franchises? It's the Big Mac of the film business – cheap to make and cheaper to digest. Awful to the palate in general, but somehow always an option when you need to clog your mental arteries. Here's the story so far:

Friday the 13th ( 1980)

Mrs. Vorhees sets about knocking off horny teenagers because years ago her son Jason drowned. Because two Camp Chrystal counsellors were having sex instead of watching him. Kevin Bacon gets it in the chest. (Body count: 10)

Friday the 13th pt 2 (1981)
Jason is alive! And after killing Alice (who killed Mrs. Vorhees at the end of part 1), he decides to defend the camp from all and sundry. Five years later, cue (wait for it) a group of horny teenagers ready to die in inexplicably suspenseful ways. SH SH SH HA HA HA! (BC: 10)

Friday the 13th pt 3 (1982)
Jason heads to a farmstead, where he hides in a barn and counsels a number of hapless horny teens out of their misery. Significantly, he nicks a hockey mask off one of the kids, and a legend is born. Jason takes an axe to the cranium. (BC: 12)

Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (1984)
In a cunning twist, producers hint that this will be the last Jason movie ever. Jason has miraculously survived the axe to the head, as the unfortunate coroner would have testified had he survived the first ten minutes of the movie. Feeling homesick, Jason returns to Crystal Lake where – surprise! – a group of horny teenagers invades his space. Fed up, Jason seeks out the neighbours. Crispin Glover acts weird! Corey Feldman kills Jason! (BC: 14)

Friday the 13th: A New Beginning (1985)
Corey Feldman, who is no longer Corey Feldman and is now in fact John Shepherd, has been committed to a mental institution. Here follows some weird stuff called "plot" that involves a copycat killer and something that happened in the past that no one remembers. Jason is alive in someone else's body and then he's dead again. Mental institution. (BC: 22)

Friday the 13th pt VI: Jason Lives (1986)

Produced by NoShitSherlock films, originally Corey Feldman then John Shepherd but who is now actually Thom Matthews visits Jason's grave. He accidentally resurrects Jason "via a piece of fence surrounding the cemetery" (don't ask), whereupon Jason travels to (gasp!) Crystal Lake and (shock!) kills more horny teenagers. Jason is tied to a boulder and tossed into the lake. (Poignant enviro-message? We think not.) (BC: 18)

Friday the 13th Pt VII: The New Blood (1988)
Jason is resurrected by a telekinetic woman (seriously) and kills teenagers who may or may not be horny. After a fight with the woman he is returned to the lake. That's it. (BC: 16)

Friday the 13th pt VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989)
Jason doesn't so much take Manhattan as he takes a faceful of toxic sewage. (Poignant enviro-message? We think not.) But at least he gets a ship crew and an electric cable up the Manhattan. (BC: 17, plus at least 20-30 from a sinking boat)

Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday (1993)

In a cunning double-twist, producers change the name of the series, fooling horny teens into thinking this is a new horror franchise, and confusingly hinting that this will be the last Jason movie ever. Jason is hunted down by the FBI! But he manages to possess another being temporarily until his sister (what?) and his niece (what? WHAT?) can be found to resurrect his body. Jason's sister stabs him with a magical dagger to kill him, after which he goes to hell, much like the script development on this movie. The producers are obviously on drugs. Again. (BC: 25)

Jason X (2002)
By now we've given up on figuring out how Jason is resurrected. He's just around. A scientist decides to cryo-freeze Jason because if you can't kill 'em, just leave 'em for a future generation to sort out, eh? (Poignant enviro-message? We think not.) Four hundred years later, Jason is found by horny teenagers. Except that in the future they are called "students". . In the course of the carnage Jason becomes a cyborg. Robocrap. (BC: 23, plus 60 marines, plus entire population of Solaris space station)

Freddy vs Jason (2003)
Some crazy dude called Freddy Kreuger brings Jason back (from Manhattan, we're guessing), in order to get the horny teenagers to remember him or something. Jason gets uppity and all, like "uh-uh", and refuses to take Freddy's orders, which results in a catfight. Most awesome rip-off of Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey evar! (BC: 24)

Friday the 13th (2009)
Reboot! Jason goes mental after seeing his mother beheaded. So he kidnaps a girl... Yeah. (BC: 13)

* Happy Friday the 13th everyone!

Comments

  • Megs - 2010-08-13 08:26

    I was born on Friday 13th. Mwuhahahahaha

  • Overlaud4.0 - 2010-08-13 08:39

    @Megs... Megs Vorhees?

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