Memorable Oscars quotes

On the red carpet:

"Oh, I was varnished - it just wasn't a varnish I liked!" - Mariah Carey, on her decidely unglamorous turn in Precious.

"Those guys hit you in a way that curdles your cream." - Invictus star Matt Damon, on what it was like to shoot those hardcore rugby scenes.

"If fashion was porn, this dress is the money shot, and you know it!" - Precious star Gabourey Sidibe knows that she's looking good.

Opening of ceremony:

"I know, right. What am I doing here?" Neil Patrick Harris answers everyone's surprised faces before breaking into the traditional opening musical number.

Steve and Alec, the host with the mosts:

Steve Martin: "Meryl Streep gets nominated every year. She holds the most nominations as an actress. Or as I like to think of it: most losses."

Baldwin to Martin: "I know you liked Invictus, because it combined two of your fave things – rugby and the tension between blacks and whites."

"There’s that Damn Helen Mirren," says Steve before his co-host corrects him, "It's DAME Helen Mirren, Steve. Dame."

Steve Martin: "Everyone who's ever worked with Meryl Streep says the same thing, 'Can that woman act, and what's up with all the Hitler memorabilia?'"

Steve and Alec: "Hey, is that Avatar director James Cameron?" (putting on 3D glasses to get a better look at him in the audience)

"She was so happy to be nominated along with him that she sent him a gift basket with a timer."
"And he reciprocated by sending her a Toyota."
- on the "rivalry" between ex-couple and competing nominees, Kathryn Bigelow and James Cameron

Steve: "In Inglourious Basterds, Christoph Waltz played a Nazi obsesessed with killing Jews. Well Christoph (pointing at audience) here's the motherload!"

Steve: "Who doesn’t love Sandra Bullock?"
Alec: "Well, tonight we’ll find out."

Steve: "Zac Efron and Taylor Lautner, take a good look at us."
Alec: "This’ll be you in five years."

Alec: "Right now we’d like to introduce two beautiful actresses, coz frankly we’re sick of bringing out all these ugly people!"

Steve: "To present the Best Costume Design award may I present two world renowned clothes-whores."
Alec, correcting his co-host: "Horses! Horses!"
Steve: "But I don’t see how that’s the plural for whoreseses."

Alec, announcing Matt Damon to the stage: "He started out as screenwriter, and won an Academy Award. Then he became an action star. Which is the first time a screenwriter ever got any action."

Best onstage quips and acceptance speeches:
  
"I’d like to thank my wife. I love you more than rainbows, baby." - Ryan Bingham after winning for Best Original Song.

"Because of John, each day someone comes up to me and asks, 'Hey Ferris, is this your day off?'" - Matthew Broderick on John Hughes' lasting impact on his life.

Ben Stiller in full Avatar make-up, speaking in Na'vi: "Has vee tarre bittiki trr yeha scown prr swadu krnaljfg tekk. That means, this seemed like a better idea in rehearsal."

Stiller, on presenting Best Makeup: "The ironic thing is that Avatar wasn’t even nominated. I should’ve worn my Spock ears because Star Trek was nominated. But that seemed too nerdy."

"This is for everybody who works on the dream every day: precious boys and girls everywhere." - Geoffrey Fletcher, the choked-up winner of Best Adapted Screenplay for Precious.
"I wrote that speech for him," Steve quipped afterwards.

"The Governers Ball is just one of the many balls being held in Hollywood every night." - Robin Williams goes below the belt.

"Oscar and Penelope [Cruz], that's an über-Bingo." - Christoph Waltz fancies he's won more than just an Oscar.

Mo’Nique makes a rousing statement in her acceptance speech: "I’d like to thank the Academy for showing that it can be about the performance and not the politics."

 "I want to thank the Academy for not considering Na'vi a foreign language." - Argentine director Juan Jose Campanella, after winning the award for best foreign language film.

Worst speech ever? "James Cameron, this Oscar sees you!" said Best Art Direction winner to his director.

"Yeah, yeah it’s me. I’m in the audience as a nominee and I’m narrating this clip. You’d think they’d give me a night off." Morgan Freeman would rather not narrate an informative clip about the art of Sound Design.

Least gracious speech: "Wow. Well, I already have two of these..." - Sandy Powell, winner of Best Costume Design for The Young Victoria isn't that impressed with her third Oscar win.

Robert Downey Jr: "Actors want scripts with social relevance, warm weather locations, phone-call scenes that can be shot separately from that insane actress that I hate and long dense columns of uninterrupted monologue."

"A lot of people have said it to me 'You made me cry.' And it was only because I cried myself when I watched the movie." - Up musical score winner Michael Giacchino is honest and true.

"I'd just like to dedicate this to the women and men in the military who risk their lives on a daily basis in Iraq and Afghanistan and around the world. And may they come home safe." - Kathryn Bigelow, upon winning the Oscar for Best Director.

The lovely Sandra Bullock, ladies and gentlemen:

"Did I earn this? Or did I just wear ya down."

Addressing fellow nominee Carey Mulligan: "Your elegance, your grace, your beauty and talent… makes me sick."

"I would like to thank what this film is about for me which are the moms that take care of the babies and the children no matter where they come from. Those moms and parents never get thanked."

The Dude is in the house! Jeff Bridges on his Best Actor win:

"Thanks, man."

"Thank you, Mom and Dad, for turning me on to such a groovy profession. Oh, my dad and my mom, they loved showbiz so much ... I feel an extension of them. You know, this ... is honoring them as much as it is me."

A few parting words from Steve Martin:

"This show was so long, Avatar is now taking place in the past."

* Catch the delayed broadcast of the 82nd Annual Academy Awards on M-NET on Monday 8 March at 8pm.