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New Year's Eve

What it's about:

Some of the most famous actors in Hollywood come together to tackle matters of the heart while preparing for the year's biggest party on New Year's Eve in Manhattan.

What we thought:

Believe it or not, New Year's Eve has much in common with The Tourist - that snooze-fest "thriller" released earlier this year with prancing ponies Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp. In both cases there is a glamorous, star-heavy cast where a some decent writing should be.

Only the think tank behind such ensemble pieces like New Year's Eve, and director Garry Marshal's previous holiday dud Valentine's Day, are of the mind that the latter just does not matter. Therefore New Year's Eve offers an onslaught of all these familiar and (mostly) likable faces, popping in for short but frequent bursts to tell of their New Year's dilemma before giving way to yet another celebrity cameo.

It is hard work keeping up with New Year's Eve's many plots - and very few of them are worth remarking on. They're all tied together by this supposedly universal idea that we're meant to be with the ones we love when the clock strikes midnight, heralding in a new year. And there's no place quite like New York City in which to make the most of this occasion. The traditional ball-drop ceremony (not nearly as exciting as it sounds) on Times Square forms the centre around which the many plot strands intertwine.

Hilary Swank plays Claire - in her first year as the person responsible for the ball-drop she is run ragged by the pressures of the job when things go wrong, but somehow musters a perfectly rousing speech, that not even Barack Obama could have managed off the cuff, to the millions of expectant faces looking her way.

Elsewhere, romantic comedy staple Sarah Jessica Parker is a divorced mom battling to keep control of her 15-year-old daughter Abigail Breslin, who just wants to spend the night with her friends and perhaps kiss the boy she likes at midnight. Jessica Biel plays a pregnant woman who gets into a contest with another expecting couple for the prize money up for grabs to the first baby born in the new year.

Katherine Heigl plays a chef who discovers that her ex Jon Bon Jovi - playing, what else, but the "biggest music star in the world" - is also the main attraction at the party she is catering. Josh Duhamel spends most of the movie with the least famous faces in the cast as he has to hitch a ride back to NY in time for a very special meeting with a mystery woman he fell for the previous New Year's eve.

And so it goes as all these characters suddenly find themselves in a high stakes race against the clock, quite literally, on the biggest party night of the year. As these tales play out it becomes increasingly clear that the true common thread running through them all is just how frustratingly bland they all are.

Garry Marshal (Pretty Woman, The Princess Diaries) has been doing this type of thing for so long now he has given up entirely in creating a film that showed even a semblance of imagination. I was grateful for pictures that actually showed Marshall on set working with his cast because he could very easily have orchstrated this hot mess from the comfort of his bed.

The cast, three of them Oscar winners, have little option but to play their characters to the hilt - until they resemble shallow caricatures, since they have so little screentime in which to achieve true depth. The only actors who come close to it are Ashton Kutcher, as a recently jilted Scrooge who makes a connection with neighbour Lea Michele when they are stuck in an elevator together, and the delightful Michelle Pfeiffer as Ingrid, a lonely spinster who enlists the spirited Zac Efron to help her achieve all the items on her bucket list before midnight. Only she's not terminally ill. So there's that.

And let's just pretend that that is not Halle Berry and Robert de Niro wasting their precious time and talent for the sake of... well, we can only assume their pay cheques were hard to turn down. Same goes for Sofia Vergara - a gorgeous and intriguing actress who, it appears, was told to play her character exactly as she would on Modern Family. What a shame.

At least Marshall and writer Katherine Fugate do not pretend that New Year's Eve exists solely for its gilded cast. Though the constant barrage of CELEBRITY (those caps are hard-earned) eventually becomes offensive in its cynicism.

That's not to say that New Year's Eve is not at least mildly entertaining. Marshall knows his audience well and has re-created dependably saccharine-sweet rom-com scenarios for them to lose themselves in for just a little while.

New Year's Eve is essentially a very bad day at the office for all concerned. Let's hope Hollywood at least has the good sense to leave "Talk Like a Pirate Day" and "World Sustainable Energy Day" well alone.

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