Baywatch

What it's about:

Devoted lifeguard Mitch Buchannon butts heads with a brash new recruit. Together, they uncover a local criminal plot that threatens the future of the Bay.

What we thought:

The film opens with a dramatic rescue scene. Mitch Buchannon (Dwayne Johnson) walks out of the ocean carrying an injured windsurfer in his muscled arms.

As the water drips from our hero’s muscles a giant 3D title spelling “Baywatch” drops into the ocean behind him making a splash. Three dolphins in a fountain formation jump out of the water as loud music pumps through the cinema’s speakers.

That ridiculous opening sequence really sets the tone for the film and immediately distinguishes itself from the TV classic. 

As a die-hard Friends fan I’ve always had a soft spot for Baywatch. J-man and Channy’s favourite TV show, automatically made it onto my must-watch list as well. 

But I knew not to expect too much from the modern film adaptation. I had low expectations and I was ready to just sit back and enjoy what promised to be a silly comedy. 

Boy, was I disappointed. If I didn’t have to write this review I’d probably have left the cinema halfway through this OTT R-rated comedy. I wasn’t offended or shocked or anything dramatic like that. I was just bored out of my mind. 

The storyline for the Baywatch flick was clearly a half-ass afterthought. This flick lacked in any substance and was obviously just a platform to show off some muscle and bouncy boobs. 

The jokes, mostly centred on dicks and puke, were lame and sometimes cringeworthy. Some were so problematic that they don’t even deserve a mention in this review. I don’t know what director Seth Gordon was trying to achieve with this limp attempt at a revamp.

With comedies it’s all about rhythm and the flow from one joke to the next. But Baywatch just doesn’t get it right. Instead of smooth sailing it’s a bit of a choppy disconnect. 

The only highlight really was the villainous Priyanka Chopra as Victoria Leeds. She’s actually too good for this cheeseball failure of a flick. 

If you like throwing your money in the water then by all means go watch this big screen version of Baywatch, but don’t forget I warned you.