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What it's about:
Independence Day and Godzilla director Roland Emmerich rewrites history in this tedious adventure about a mammoth hunter D'Leh (Steven Strait) whose girlfriend Evolet (Camilla Belle) and other pals are captured by slavers. D'Leh and his companions travel across far away lands to rescue them and encounter plenty of CGI dangers along the way.
What we thought of it:
The cinematic equivalent of a cheap fast food burger special, 10 000 BC appears huge and meaty on the poster, but turns out to be the size of a poker chip and about as flavoursome as cardboard. Like a junior burger, it will only satisfy a mildly peckish youngster. But unlike a junior burger, it will take an agonising two hours to consume, leaving you tired, irritable and wanting to hurt director Roland Emmerich. Badly.
People have said this movie is like a throwback to golden age adventure movies, and this is true, in the worst possible way. Like the original King Kong, everything looks horribly fake, except it lacks the charm of lovingly crafted models – instead resorting to epic CGI panoramas too tacky to appear in 4x4 ads. The action is slow and ponderous, with an irritating narration that spells out each infantile scene.
Disturbingly 10 000 BC also has no basis in history, with loads of tribes, mammoths, dinosaur birds, etc. just thrown together in a melting pot of boredom. More than that, it's also unashamedly racist, with the young white man (with beautiful dreadlocks and teeth that must have cost a fortune) uniting those silly old Africans into a ragtag force to overthrow the tyrannical Egyptians (they don't call them Egyptians, but they have pyramids and a sphinx that looks like Scooby Doo).
All this rubbish would have been slightly forgivable if it was entertaining, but it isn't. In comparison to 10 000 BC, the worst films you've seen over the last couple of years will look a whole lot better.
Like a low energy mash up of 300, Lord of the Rings and Apocalypto for under 10s, it plays out like a Spur advert featuring the secret tribe, only with less grit. With a total lack of blood, nudity or anything resembling balls, it is clearly aimed at children, but for all the silliness it fails to provide any escapism. It would take a cheque of four figures or more to get me to sit through this turd again.
- Ivan Sadler
Get published on Channel24! Send us your movie, music and live gig reviews and columns and get published on Channel24. Send your articles to PublishMe@sa.24.com.
Independence Day and Godzilla director Roland Emmerich rewrites history in this tedious adventure about a mammoth hunter D'Leh (Steven Strait) whose girlfriend Evolet (Camilla Belle) and other pals are captured by slavers. D'Leh and his companions travel across far away lands to rescue them and encounter plenty of CGI dangers along the way.
What we thought of it:
The cinematic equivalent of a cheap fast food burger special, 10 000 BC appears huge and meaty on the poster, but turns out to be the size of a poker chip and about as flavoursome as cardboard. Like a junior burger, it will only satisfy a mildly peckish youngster. But unlike a junior burger, it will take an agonising two hours to consume, leaving you tired, irritable and wanting to hurt director Roland Emmerich. Badly.
People have said this movie is like a throwback to golden age adventure movies, and this is true, in the worst possible way. Like the original King Kong, everything looks horribly fake, except it lacks the charm of lovingly crafted models – instead resorting to epic CGI panoramas too tacky to appear in 4x4 ads. The action is slow and ponderous, with an irritating narration that spells out each infantile scene.
Disturbingly 10 000 BC also has no basis in history, with loads of tribes, mammoths, dinosaur birds, etc. just thrown together in a melting pot of boredom. More than that, it's also unashamedly racist, with the young white man (with beautiful dreadlocks and teeth that must have cost a fortune) uniting those silly old Africans into a ragtag force to overthrow the tyrannical Egyptians (they don't call them Egyptians, but they have pyramids and a sphinx that looks like Scooby Doo).
All this rubbish would have been slightly forgivable if it was entertaining, but it isn't. In comparison to 10 000 BC, the worst films you've seen over the last couple of years will look a whole lot better.
Like a low energy mash up of 300, Lord of the Rings and Apocalypto for under 10s, it plays out like a Spur advert featuring the secret tribe, only with less grit. With a total lack of blood, nudity or anything resembling balls, it is clearly aimed at children, but for all the silliness it fails to provide any escapism. It would take a cheque of four figures or more to get me to sit through this turd again.
- Ivan Sadler
Get published on Channel24! Send us your movie, music and live gig reviews and columns and get published on Channel24. Send your articles to PublishMe@sa.24.com.
