Armored

2010-03-24 14:10
 
Armored

What it's about:


A crew of officers at an armoured transport security firm risk their lives when they embark on the ultimate heist - against their own company. Armed with a seemingly fool-proof plan, the men plan on making off with a fortune and harm to none. But, when an unexpected witness interferes, the plan quickly unravels and all bets are off.

What we thought:


Hollywood, you offend me. You think that by blowing stuff up, you’ll distract me from the godawful, cliché-ridden scripts that you get some hack to knock together. Well, that may have been true in the past – heck, you almost had us all fooled with Avatar before the Oscar Academy called you on your bullshit – but no more. No more, you hear? In the words of Ninja, we have become "pretty wise" – wise enough to realise that when you churn out dreck like Armored, you are insulting us. You are, in effect, saying, "Action fans can’t tell the difference between a decent film and one that uses cars, guns and explosions to paper over the risible plot." You treat action fans like dim-witted knuckleheads, sniggering behind the backs of your own biggest audience. Well, Hollywood: screw you too.  

I can only imagine that Armored is the result of an ingenious tax dodge on the part of some executive, because there’s certainly nothing about the story to recommend spending millions on making it. Here it is in a nutshell: a new guy (Columbus Short) joins the armoured car crew of a security company.

After the initial hazing to break him in, some heavy hints are dropped that the crew (Matt Dillon, Jean Reno, Laurence Fishburne and Skeet Ulrich taking a holiday from real films) wants to rob the stash that they are meant to be protecting. New guy is outraged, until Social Services want to take his little brother away from him unless he can pay rent. He quickly decides that robbing his own truck isn’t such a bad plan after all.

The rest of the movie plays out like a poor man’s Reservoir Dogs, mostly inside a warehouse. The crooks all start fighting with each other, with predictable results. I spent most of the movie wanting something horrible to happen to Matt Dillon, just so that he could stop embarrassing himself in this piece of nonsense. Matt, we understand that you need to pay the bills, but you seem like a nice enough guy – surely there are people willing to give you a job elsewhere?

Hollywood, we’re through. Until you stop spending so much money on explosions and develop better scripts, we’re no longer on speaking terms. I know it’s a heist movie, but when the people being robbed are the audience, you’re doing it wrong.


A heist movie that ends up robbing it audiences of its valuable time? Hollywood, you're doing it wrong, says Finn Gregory.

Anon 2010/03/25 10:24 AM
Hey dude. Don't take yourself so seriously. It's a popcorn movie. I enjoyed it for what it was. Never expected great twists in the plot or amazing acting performances. It is what it is. Sometime you just don't wanna concentrate on a plot because you'll get lost if you don't. It's like Wanted, not a classic, but enjoyable for what it is.
Get a life 2010/03/25 2:22 PM
Wow this review sucks. You are the hack for putting this together. Get a life and write for the people who are reading this not for yourself to blow off some steam. This review is pure hot air. Thanks for nothing!!
Anonymous 2010/03/25 3:33 PM
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Moron, this is a horrible review. Didn't even get past the first paragraph as the rant was so meaningless. Absurd that you're allowed to write, more surprised you can.
Finn Gregory 2010/03/25 3:35 PM
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Folks, you've got to understand something: this is a review, not a synopsis. If you want to know what the movie is about, go to IMDb. If you want an opinion, read a review. My opinion on this one happens to be strong. You are free to disagree with me if you wish.
finn-ish 2010/03/25 4:20 PM
hey Finn take a chill pill - that is why its called movies - "they are not real" at all...ha ha ha...
Lenovo guy 2010/03/25 5:19 PM
I disagree with you, that was a good movie. Just because you didn't like it, doesn't mean its bad, your review sucks dude...
PRESHEN GOVENDER 2010/03/31 2:53 PM
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hated it no nude shoot
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