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Dear John


What it's about:


John Tyree (Channing Tatum), a soldier back home on leave, falls for conservative college girl Savannah Curtis (Amanda Seyfried). They have a two-week whirlwind romance before he must return to the army and she to college. They continue their relationship through letters with John promising that he will leave the army after a year. After the 9/11 attacks, John chooses to extend his tour, and this strains their already fragile long-distance relationship.


Dear John,

This isn't working for me. For the reasons mentioned below, we need to end whatever this is that involves me watching you bore me to tears.

Firstly, what's with all the clichés? The sun-kissed glow, the beach, the kissing in the rain...  These gimmicks are lame. Romantic relationships are kept fresh with new, original ideas, not a moving Hallmark card.

Secondly, I hate it when you leave storylines lying all over the place! Why don't I know what happened to your father to make him the way he is? Why don't we ever hear why Savannah's neighbour Tim has a wife who is constantly on "vacation", yet we keep hearing about this person who doesn't even contribute to the story? And why did you and the guys at the pier have 'words'? You never explain any of this. Plus, your descriptions of your time in Afghanistan after 9/11 sound like fairytales. Don't lie to me; I'm smarter than you think.

Then there's that blonde bimbo Savannah. Just because you're both beautiful doesn't mean I'm going to buy your supposed mutual attraction. You have no chemistry, no fire and I don't believe in your love. It's insulting, actually.

While I can still appreciate your topless scenes for their visceral beauty, unfortunately I need more than that from a relationship. This thing peaked too early. Look, I'm not saying you're a little, uh, premature, but I got to see all your good bits before I even bought the ticket. You gave it all up in the trailer, and now I realise you're not the person, or the movie, you said you were.

I get this thing that you and the author Nicholas Sparks have going with the letters. Yes it's sweet, yes it's romantic, but if you want me to read it, e-mail me! Don't spend 30 minutes of my cinema time reading it out loud. I'm not freakin' Juliet who enjoys long, boring soliloquies.

I'm sorry John, but there's no way to justify me seeing you. I was duped by your initial charm and even I can't resist the promise of hot surfer boys and young, tanned bodies, only to find out that you just used it to get my bum in a cinema seat. Pig! I hope others will read this and be aware of your sly tactics before they step up to that ticket booth.

Sincerely, (well, not actually)

Sam


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