Vampires Suck

2010-10-22 12:00
 
Vampires Suck

What it's about:

A spoof on the first two Twilight Saga movies, Vampires Suck follows the exact same plot. You know the score: moody teenage girls, moody toothless vampires, moody shirtless werewolves and huge dollops of moody unrequited, unconsummated love.

What we thought:

How hard is to make fun of Twilight? No, really? I know that it has a huge following among teenage girls and fans of romantic fang-fiction, to the point that it is probably the biggest pop culture phenomenon since the much more deserving Harry Potter. But, come on, for most of us it's a franchise with a gigantic "Kick Me" sign hanging off its pale, glittery ass.

Don't believe me? Let's turn, once again, to that most authoritative of tools: The World Wide Web.  For every "Team Jacob" or "Team Edward" fansite that pops up, there's  a parody website waiting just around the corner to take the piss out of Twilight's laughably lame bad-boy love interests. For every YouTube video that portrays these overwrought love affairs through sickly montages and sicklier pap songs, there are videos like the one where, through the magic of editing, Buffy, our (or, at least, my) most favourite of vampire slayers, puts a very permanent end to Edward's incessant stalker-like brooding. And don't even get me started on the wealth of material that comedy websites like Cracked or The Onion are able to milk out of this franchise that simply never stops giving. Twilight is, in short, a very easy comedy target.    

Why then is it that Vampires Suck, the first official Twilight "spoof" film, fails to raise even a single titter? The really-asking-for-it title is bad enough but, most impressive of all, Vampires Suck manages to be less funny than Twilight itself. That's right, Twilight, that most humourless of doomed romance stories has more laughs than its supposed parody. I'll grant you that most of those laughs were entirely unintentional but I'll take unintentional guffaws over embarrassed groans any day of the week.

Case in point: there's this incredibly moronic scene at the end of New Moon (or Twilight 2, for those not keeping score) where our heartbroken vampire tries to commit suicide by having the vampire authority execute him after breaking the cardinal vampire rule of exposing himself in public (not as kinky as it sounds). Aside for it being a ridiculously complicated suicide plan (seriously, had the bloke really never heard of a good ol' stake through the heart?) the way he decides to expose his true nature is by stripping off his clothes in the sunlight of a very public place. This would have been a stupid plan if he was a traditional vampire but for a Twilight vampire this is even more idiotic. Don't forget Twilight vampires don't go up in smoke when exposed to sunlight – they sparkle – so the general reaction to his, shall we say, "coming out" would be less "holy crap, Ma, a vampire!" and more "holy crap, Ma, that topless bloke is covered in glitter – I must be at the wrong parade!".

I literally laughed out loud throughout much of this head-slappingly stupid display but when Vampires Suck tackled the very same scene by throwing every comedy device at the screen (the meta-satire of warring teenage Twilight fans, the "side-splitting" slapstick of our heroine jumping on a bunch of by-standers Super Mario style, and the completely nonsensical covering of the naked vampire's man-junk with a disco ball), I didn't even crack a smile.

Every. Single. Joke. In the entire film fell just as flat.

On the plus side, it's less than 90 minutes long so the red hot rage/crippling depression that Vampires Suck will undoubtedly cause in even the most hardened of masochists will probably only be temporary. All I know is that another half an hour of this imbecilic nonsense and I probably would never have escaped the cinema in one piece. As it is, I was left with a newfound appreciation for The Twilight Saga and who the hell in their right mind wants that?

Avoid. Avoid like the bloody plague.

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A parody that manages to be even less funny than The Twilight Saga movies which it mercilessly rips off.

Gracey 2010/09/03 9:41 AM
At 26, I am a pathetic Twihard and was seriously disappointed by the trailer of this movie. Thank you for watching it on behalf of all Twilight fans and letting us know that it is nothing but an utterly disgusting spoof! Can't wait for the Breaking Dawn and even better it's being split into 2 movies, fab! Twilight forever!
Z 2010/09/03 10:45 AM
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I am a lover of a good fang romances as the next person but the twilight movie really was silly. Vamps don't glitter, fairies do. Also walking around and the morbid vamps, the falling for humans and the vamps may not reveal themselves to humans or the elder vamps will punish them was first done in night world by L.J. Smith. (1996-1998). Anything origanal in this? Try the undead series. Betsy as the vamp queen who doesn't want to be queen and has a shoe fetish is really a could read.
Andrew 2010/09/03 2:27 PM
I started watching a pirated copy of 'Vampires Suck' and I still could only manage a few minutes before stopping windows media player and deleting the file. What a load of shite.
Anon 2010/09/03 2:37 PM
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Hi Gracey. I look at your Twilight series as "nothing but an utterly disgusting spoof" of other vampire themed stories. In short, it sucks @$$!!! And you should be ashamed to be a "Twihard" (WTF???) at your age. It's cleary aimed at the tween "Teeny-bopper" market who don't know any better. I remember loving movies like "Jawbreaker" and "Cruel Intentions", and other crap that featured the most popular "young actors" of the day. If I try to watch it on the telly now, I cannot believe how I actually sat through that crap. It's actually laughable. The tween's of today will probably feel the same when they watch Twilight again in 5-6 years time.
preshen govender 2010/09/03 4:15 PM
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it should be nominated for an Oscar
Where have all the vampires gone? 2010/09/04 9:51 PM
I am going to get this one out the fast: I hate twilight. I honestly wanted to go see this movie, and I was actually hoping for 12 year old girls and the twimoms to picket this movie and scream at me for not believing that edward was real (he isn't). Honestly I think twilight did so much damage to the old time classic horror movie monsters, from twitards writing angry letters that the werewolfs in the wolf man is a wrong depiction of them, I honestly think that Bella Lugosi (no, not bella from the books/movies, the actor, yes, actor) is current trying to fight his way out of the grave due to this mess.
Twihard fans - ha ha ha 2010/09/05 2:56 PM
All I can say is that the Twilight Saga has made a mockery real vampire stories and movies. It is a cross between Hannah Montanna and Kyle XY. I mean I do not know how any grown person could watch that type of drivel. I am sure Vampires Suck is terrible but I think a more appropriate name should be straight to the point - Twilight Sucks.
Shooter 2010/09/06 9:09 AM
Damn, and I had such high hopes!
Tertia 2010/09/06 10:38 PM
Fantacy is fantacy is fantacy. Whats the big deal about how a vampire SHOULD be? As far as I know vampires dont excits, so how every one is allowed to have his/her own fantacies about a fantacy.
Got to go 2014/06/25 9:36 PM
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Best movie ever made :-) Died laughing!!! Deserves a 10 star rating
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