Miley Cyrus - Can't Be Tamed

The album sounds like Bump: Jumping Juniors Edition. Miley's been beat bad with the disco stick, and she's all the worse for wear. Not only is the overall sound outdated, but it makes her sound desperate.

Sure, she's desperate for recognition and freedom, but if this is her 'untamed', I say bring back the reins! Our ears aren't safe!

"Liberty Walk" opens the album and spews these techno frog-like sound effects. Crazy Frog is so last decade! She's clearly stuck in a time-warp. The cover art draws straight from Britney Spears' Greatest Hits cover in 2004. I just can't understand it.

"Two More Lonely People" reminds me of a Shania Twain dance remix with the lyrical melodies and the heavy beats just not blending. No no, girlfriend. "Who Owns My Heart" is probably the most coherent of the 'doef-doef' tracks. I don't feel comfortable calling it dance music. Faithless make dance music. You see the problem?

I'm much more forgiving when it comes to ballads. I'm a romantic. But even here she comes up shorter than her Daisy Dukes. "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" is ridiculously over-produced and it just makes no sense for such a young girl to do such a heavy song. "Stay" is cleaner and more genuine, but still laden with drama. What happened to the free, fun-loving girl who was going to 'climb' mountains and conquer the world with her little booty-shaking? Now she's lamenting leaving her lover? I fear the inevitable has happened. She's grown up too fast. You know what Ouma used to say..."Vroeg ryp, vroeg vrot".

She's not only flaunting her body, but her budget too. On the title track she brags "I go through guys like money flying out the hands". Tacky, isn't it? I'm not a prude. It's not because she's only 17, it's just because it sounds cheap instead of self-empowering. I get what she's trying to do, but she's failed miserably.

Back to school with you, Miley.