Woody Allen says in his great sentimental movie Annie Hall: "Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with somebody I love!" Those grounds and those grounds alone qualify songs about you-know-what as love songs. Now hold on, get a grip! This isn't going to be that kind of article. There's be no mention of GG Allin or any other hardcore punk unsubtlety here... except just now of course.
Instead, sit back and relax (but not too much) as we take you through a quickie list of songs you may or may not have realised were about you... and you alone.
Oops (oh my) - TweetNotoriously, Tweet got the lyrical kit off in 2002 with the help (so to speak) of one Missy Elliot and one Fabolous. None too subtle, it starts off when Ms. Tweet gets home at about a quarter to three.
I tried and I tried to avoidbut this thing was happeningSwallow my prideLet it ride and partyBut this body felt just like mineI got worriedI looked over to the leftA reflection of myselfThat's why I couldn't catch my breath
She Bop - Cyndi LauperShe's so unusual... in that she managed to score a worldwide chart hit with a song about 'bopping', because presumably no-one in the radio-censor's office bothered to listen to lines sung in such a high pitch. That, and according to the chorus, he bop, she bop and we bop, I bop, you bop and they bop... etc.
Do I wanna go out with a lion's roarHuh, yea, I wanna go south n get me some moreHey, they say that a stitch in time saves nineThey say I better stop--or I'll go blindOop--she bop--she bop
I Touch Myself - DivinylsA tender, touching song (snicker) about staying faithful to your loved one... and when (s)he can't be there, well, best improvise. Of course, this song often got a bit more - erm... direct when they performed it live.
I don't want anybody elseWhen I think about you I touch myselfI don't want anybody elseOh no, oh no, oh no
Turning Japanese - The VaporsBack in the day, glamour was all the rage. The Vapors found great solace in their favourite girls' picture, too. Hilariously misused in dozens of Hollywood films ever since it was recorded, the 'turning Japanese' refers to our protagonist's expression as ... well... use your imagination here.
I got your picture, I got your pictureI'd like a million of you over myselfI want a doctor to take a pictureSo I can look at you from inside as wellYou've got me turning up and turning downand turning in and turning 'round
I'm turning JapaneseI think I'm turning JapaneseI really think so
Dancing with Myself - Billy IdolWell, you'd kind of expect Billy Idol to make a great big drama of it. And he goes a way to doing so; such drama, such pathos. Hey, it's Billy Idol.
On the floor of TokyoOr down in London town to go, goWith the record selectionWith the mirror reflectionI'm dancing with myself
When there's no-one else in sightIn the crowded lonely nightWell I wait so longFor my love vibrationAnd I'm dancing with myself
XTC - Pink ThingThe lyrics are partially obscene. So we won't quote the bit about "spitting in your eye", because we don't want to offend anyone. And another thing you don't need to know is that XTC later claimed the song was really about a baby, not a sexual organ. Which is grosser?
Violent Femmes - Blister in the SunIt's more about adolescence really, but since masturbation is such a big part of this phase of a young punk's life, they included this poignant little reference.
I stain the sheetsI don't even know why
Orgasm Addict - BuzzcocksRemember that song that Fine Young Cannibals recorded in the eighties - Ever Fallen In Love (With Someone You Shouldn't Have Fallen in Love With)? Well, waaay back it was actually recorded by a punk-generation outfit called The Buzzcocks, who also gave us this dodgy gem.
well you tried it just for once found it all right for kicks.but now you found out that it's a habit that sticks.and you're an orgasm addict.you're an orgasm addict.sneaking in the back door with dirty magazines.now your mother wants to know what all those stains on your jeans.and you're an orgasm addict.you're an orgasm addict.
Touch of My Hand - Britney SpearsShe used to a be sweet pop princess. Didn't she? Well, we can debate that, but this song from the next generation of Britney pop hits makes it into the hall of shame.
I'm not ashamed of the things that I dreamI find myself flirting with the verge of obsceneInto the unknown, I will be boldI'm going to places I can be out of control
And I don't want to explain tonightAll the things I've tried to hideI shut myself out from the world so ICan draw the blinds and I'll teach myself to fly
I love myselfIt's not a sinI can't control what's happenin'
And that's the 10 songs we promised you. Now put that on your iPod and away you go!
- Compiled by Anton Marshall
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