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10 songs about self-love - 10 songs about self-love

2006-03-30 15:33

Woody Allen says in his great sentimental movie Annie Hall: "Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with somebody I love!" Those grounds and those grounds alone qualify songs about you-know-what as love songs. Now hold on, get a grip! This isn't going to be that kind of article. There's be no mention of GG Allin or any other hardcore punk unsubtlety here... except just now of course.

Instead, sit back and relax (but not too much) as we take you through a quickie list of songs you may or may not have realised were about you... and you alone.

Oops (oh my) - Tweet
Notoriously, Tweet got the lyrical kit off in 2002 with the help (so to speak) of one Missy Elliot and one Fabolous. None too subtle, it starts off when Ms. Tweet gets home at about a quarter to three.

I tried and I tried to avoid
but this thing was happening
Swallow my pride
Let it ride and party
But this body felt just like mine
I got worried
I looked over to the left
A reflection of myself
That's why I couldn't catch my breath

She Bop - Cyndi Lauper
She's so unusual... in that she managed to score a worldwide chart hit with a song about 'bopping', because presumably no-one in the radio-censor's office bothered to listen to lines sung in such a high pitch. That, and according to the chorus, he bop, she bop and we bop, I bop, you bop and they bop... etc.

Do I wanna go out with a lion's roar
Huh, yea, I wanna go south n get me some more
Hey, they say that a stitch in time saves nine
They say I better stop--or I'll go blind
Oop--she bop--she bop

I Touch Myself - Divinyls
A tender, touching song (snicker) about staying faithful to your loved one... and when (s)he can't be there, well, best improvise. Of course, this song often got a bit more - erm... direct when they performed it live.

I don't want anybody else
When I think about you
I touch myself
I don't want anybody else
Oh no, oh no, oh no

Turning Japanese - The Vapors
Back in the day, glamour was all the rage. The Vapors found great solace in their favourite girls' picture, too. Hilariously misused in dozens of Hollywood films ever since it was recorded, the 'turning Japanese' refers to our protagonist's expression as ... well... use your imagination here.

I got your picture, I got your picture
I'd like a million of you over myself
I want a doctor to take a picture
So I can look at you from inside as well
You've got me turning up and turning down
and turning in and turning 'round

I'm turning Japanese
I think I'm turning Japanese
I really think so

Dancing with Myself - Billy Idol
Well, you'd kind of expect Billy Idol to make a great big drama of it. And he goes a way to doing so; such drama, such pathos. Hey, it's Billy Idol.

On the floor of Tokyo
Or down in London town to go, go
With the record selection
With the mirror reflection
I'm dancing with myself

When there's no-one else in sight
In the crowded lonely night
Well I wait so long
For my love vibration
And I'm dancing with myself

XTC - Pink Thing
The lyrics are partially obscene. So we won't quote the bit about "spitting in your eye", because we don't want to offend anyone. And another thing you don't need to know is that XTC later claimed the song was really about a baby, not a sexual organ. Which is grosser?

Violent Femmes - Blister in the Sun
It's more about adolescence really, but since masturbation is such a big part of this phase of a young punk's life, they included this poignant little reference.

I stain the sheets
I don't even know why

Orgasm Addict - Buzzcocks
Remember that song that Fine Young Cannibals recorded in the eighties - Ever Fallen In Love (With Someone You Shouldn't Have Fallen in Love With)? Well, waaay back it was actually recorded by a punk-generation outfit called The Buzzcocks, who also gave us this dodgy gem.

well you tried it just for once found it all right for kicks.
but now you found out that it's a habit that sticks.
and you're an orgasm addict.
you're an orgasm addict.
sneaking in the back door with dirty magazines.
now your mother wants to know what all those stains on your jeans.
and you're an orgasm addict.
you're an orgasm addict.

Touch of My Hand - Britney Spears
She used to a be sweet pop princess. Didn't she? Well, we can debate that, but this song from the next generation of Britney pop hits makes it into the hall of shame.

I'm not ashamed of the things that I dream
I find myself flirting with the verge of obscene
Into the unknown, I will be bold
I'm going to places I can be out of control

And I don't want to explain tonight
All the things I've tried to hide
I shut myself out from the world so I
Can draw the blinds and I'll teach myself to fly

I love myself
It's not a sin
I can't control what's happenin'

And that's the 10 songs we promised you. Now put that on your iPod and away you go!

- Compiled by Anton Marshall

Britney does it. Tweet does it. Madge does it. Cindy Lauper does it. The Vapors did it and so did Billy Idol. It's normal, it's natural. And it's great fun! Here are our favourite five minute aural orgasms.
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