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Four Factor: Phat Floats?

2007-08-30 10:55
This week's four factors rated out of 10 are:

Bust-a-move factor: When it comes to shaking that ass, do these phatties have what it takes?
Love handles factor: Call it spare tires, bread rolls or whatever, do these phatties have enough to keep their mate in tow?
Boom-boom factor: They may be sduhla mafehlehle, but can they shake the room and rock the crowd?
Biggie Factor: Can they bring on the charm like Biggie Smalls did? Are these cats big pimps, with lots of pros in different area codes? So they have a lot of, er love to give – but are they getting any?

The Phat candidates are:


Bust a move factor: HHP is the reigning king of Motswako from Muff-town (Mafikeng) to the Mother City. He rocked the Cape Town Jazz Festival this year when he had to be moved from a small sit down venue to the much bigger Bassline party stage. Little did the organisers know how BIG Jabba is! And he won this year’s Strictly Come Dancing competition. Need we say more? 10
Love Handles: HHP has a baby and a baby momma – no scratch that – a fiancée. He clearly has a whole lotta love waiting for him at home. 9
Biggie Factor: Jabba is the MAN all right! Ladies love this chubby bubbly dude. His female fans always scream for more! The ladies can never get enough of Jabba! He’s got more than enough love to give but only on stage ladies! 9
Boom Boom Factor: HHP puts the hip in pantsula and gets the crowd hopping and hypnotised to his catchy lyrics and tunes. With each show he has the audience eating out of his mic. Fans in the audience know the lyrics to his phat tunes and are always singing along. He makes sure that the crowd is involved and his groovy live band and back-up singers are just as PHAT! 10
-Check out HHP and his phat band shaking and rocking the Cape Town Jazz Festival


Bust a move factor: Tsekeleke shakes ALL that his mama gave him! When it comes to doing the “get down” he goes way down, when most people only end up halfway. Talk about stamina baby! The man has the bust, the booty and the moves. 10
Love Handles: The man wouldn’t tell us if he’s keeping anyone special warm during those chilly and lonely nights. Come on Tsekeleke you need to share and spread some love brother! 0
Biggie Factor: Seeing that Tsekeleke’s not dishing out any dirt on his lovers and we’ve never seen any public displays of affection with any ladies. So the man has the moves but is not moving the ladies from their seats, come now ladies, give him some lurv! 0
Boom Boom Factor: Tsekeleke takes the cake on this one. He can shake the stage and the room to the max. Unfortunately he’s only had one single with young Msawawa aptly titled ‘Big and Small’. So he may not make you sing or scream his name but he sure will keep your eyes glued to the stage. 8 L’VOVO DERRANGO

Bust-a-move factor: Most times L’vovo doesn’t really move much. He lets the hot house and kwaito beats and his spicy ghetto lyrics do all the work. But when and if he decides to move, he lets it all hang out! 8
Love handles factor: He has enough to keep any lady warm at night but the Biggie factor (below) may be a problemo. 6
Biggie Factor: He is B.I.G! If you believe the lyrics then this man has amantombazane dancing to his tune. And the video to his hit songs has more women than porn producing rap star Snoop Dogg’s music videos. 8
Boom-boom factor: If you were tuned to the SAMA awards earlier this year, then you’re one of the many South Africans who saw how L’vovo shook everybody – including Patrice Motsepe – up. Pity it wasn’t enough to get a SAMA award. 9
-Check our interview with L’vovo


Bust-a-move factor: Jealous down! Sis’Dudu can shake, shake and shake what her mama gave her. (Shakira watch out! These hips are for real!) Why else would Arthur select her as one of his dancers? Her acrobatic moves are so on point with high kicks, and even splits that will make any ballerina hide behind her tutu. 10
Love handles factor: Dudu epitomises a true African Woman. With her ATMs (African trademark) most brothers would love to squeeze some loving from her. She has a whole lot of love to give! We tried to find out about her main squeeze but Dudu’s love life is being kept undercover. We wonder about the cozy image of her and Speedy at the Selimanthuzi Ibiza send off party though! 7
Biggie Factor: She’ s already charmed “King” Arthur. But can she play the field like Mr B.I.G? We doubt it! Dudu’s a sweet girl who’s nasty on the dance floor but wholesome off stage. U GO GIRL!!! 6
Boom-boom factor: If you’ve been to an Arthur show then you know Miss Thang shakes the room and finally brings the house down! The lady is talented and will shame any video-girl with the real McCoy booty hop. It’s not over till the fat mama dances! 10

SCORES (out of 40 points)
HHP - 38
Tsekeleke - 18 (Ag shame!)
L’vovo - 31
Dudu - 33

And the Winner is...
Ku Obvious! After all the man is Mzansi’s dance champion. Congrats HHP!

- Gugu Mkhabela and Nomfundo H Mbaba+Tshabalala

Pics from Images24 and City Press.
These stars are PHAT: Pretty Hot And Tempting! They give their performances all they’ve got, leaving them, er … fans breathless! Nothing can stop them from gyrating, booty hopping and doing the splits. But are they fit enough to stay on top of their game? We rate them…
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