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Idols: A Spiceless Sausage Fest

2007-09-18 13:56
As a result, Sunday’s presentation was a spiceless sausage fest, a boy-bland display of shameless narcissistic onanism which, if Revelation were indeed the gospel truth, would be more than enough reason to unleash the four horsemen of the Apocalypse on the disastrous experiment that is humanity.

Thankfully it’s not, and on Sunday nights we can all sleep soundly, secure in the knowledge that War, Famine, Pestilence and Death aren’t going to suddenly appear on some random hilltop and deliver us our just deserts. Instead life, and Idols, goes on. As the saying has it, every silver lining has a dark cloud.

Reckon we’re kidding? Watch the Top 12 Clips:
- Monroe: Sugar Man
- Dominic: Footloose
- Jared: Mucho Mambo (Sway)
- Daniel: Your Body is a Wonderland
- Lucky: Crazy Little Thing Called Love
- Sabelo: Kissed by a Rose
- Rob: U2 - One Love
- Bjorn: Wonderful World
- BigPete: Remember When it Rained
- PJ: Beautiful Soul
- Richard: Hotel California
- Top 7 guys: results show

Back to the column
At least the producers seem to know that the middle bit between the auditions and the finals bore the crap out of everyone. So to speed things up, a full five of the twelve contestants who appeared on Sunday are getting the boot this week, with a little bit of help from the judges as well as the cellphone-enabled voting public. Sharp.
And as we all know, voting is another point of contention. In an attempt to quash the invariable avalanche of wild conspiracy theories by raving nut-jobs who should really put down the remote and get a life, the judges have announced that they’ll give us a breakdown of the voting. For the first time on Idols, viewers will be told exactly how the public and how the judges voted.

Wow. Who would have thought that in our lifetime, we would finally get to see openness and transparency on corporation-controlled reality television? This is indeed an historic event, one to remember and cherish for the sake of our children and our children’s children, and if you feel tears of pride welling up inside you, don’t be ashamed. Raise your salt-stained cheeks joyously towards the sun, secure in the knowledge that democracy has finally arrived on our sandy shores.

Yes, sarcasm may be the lowest for of wit, but sometimes it’s all that’s deserved.

So anyway, this week, you get to sms your eager little fingers off for the guys (you can also use Mixit to vote, if you’re of a pubically challenged age), and next week it’s the girls’ turn, so expect a flood of belly buttons and porno footwear as they slut it out for your viewing pleasure. At least most of the female contestants seem to realise that looks actually do count. Bottom line: it doesn’t matter how charming or talented you are if you don’t know how to put down the fork.

- Chris McEvoy

Reality game shows are constantly trying to reinvent themselves. Much like a painted, drunken old crone in a bar, they try to hide the fact that they are boring, way past their sell-by date, and not very pleasant to look at. Inevitably, they fail miserably. This week, Idols SA pretended to be something other that what it is and did something “original” by separating the genders – thereby inadvertently imitating the centuries-old policy of public toilets around the world.


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