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Idols Can't Rock

2007-10-30 15:20
The Clips
- Singing to stay in
- Andriette
- Bjorn
- Carla
- Daniel
- Jody
- Munro
- Tender
- Yolanda

Stop Press: Results Show
- Bye Bye Yolanda

The Column
This week, Idols attempted the impossible with a “rocking out” themed show, which is laughable, given what they’ve got to work with here. Attention whores in sponsored clothing is not exactly rock ‘n roll material.

So no, Idols didn’t “rock” this week, as intended. It popped a bit, but that’s about it.

With only eight contestants remaining, the interview segments between the songs are getting more and more drawn out – which is at least preferable to making them sing more. This time round, the interviews focused on how they’re coping with their new found fame.

Predictably, they’re all “coping” extremely well. Of course they are. They’re doing photo shoots, taking interviews and signing autographs – isn’t this exactly what every camera-chasing extrovert craves? Each and every one of them is happier than a junkie with a bagful of heroin. And why not? They might as well enjoy it while they can because the come-down is going to be harsh. People who become famous overnight usually reach obscurity with the same speed. Just watch. But it’s not an experience that’s all going to waste. At least all the autograph signing is good practice for writing their name and “thanx!” with a little smiley face on your restaurant bill.

After a quick plug for Mara Louw’s new guaranteed-to-suck musical, Björn Blignaut, dressed like a mascot of sleaze, kicked off with a dull version of a 25 year old song, “Eye of the Tiger”. Yawn. Both Tender Mavundla and Jody Williams chose cover the decidedly non-rocking Kelly Clarkson, Tender’s performance finally rising above the doldrums of mediocrity, and Jody bumming out for the second time in a row. This week she tried to add to her appeal by sexing it up in a skin tight ensemble, but ended up looking like a 13-year-old mallrat in her mother’s makeup. With cheeks like those, she should stick to just being cute.

Daniel Büys did moderately well for once, being one of the few contestants to sing an actual rock song, but this is also a popularity contest, and Daniel has a history of being crap. One good performance might not be enough. Luckily for him, Yolanda bombed out this week, so he might be safe.

Total jackass Munro du Toit hammed it up for the crowd while murdering an REM song, ending his performance on his knees at the end of the walkway, clutching the microphone with both hands between his legs as if it were his penis - only much, much bigger. You know, just being voted off is too lenient for some people. There should also be penalties. Flogging springs to mind.

Carla Louw’s below-average performance included the most contrived and rehearsed stage dive in television history. It was all a bit embarrassing, but since she’s decided to stick out her tongue whenever she smiles, perhaps we should just forgive her and let her get on with being pervable.

Andriëtte Norman once again walked away with most of the praise, and with Jody screwing up, seems to be way in the lead. Yes, we all know where this is going. Andriëtte is the judges’ poppie of choice, and the people’s poppie too so you might as well get used to seeing her chubby arms every week right though to December. Which isn’t really a bad thing. It could be a lot worse. Imagine if they had taken a shine to Munro.

- Chris McEvoy

“Are you ready to rock?” asks presenter Colin Moss at the start of the show. The audience, made up almost entirely of jailbait, squeal with unreserved delight. Apparently they are “ready to rock”. Which makes you wonder why they’re at the most non-rocking musical event money can buy.

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