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Idols: Cape Town’s Revenge

2007-08-27 13:27
The Clips
- Jade Dylan Neetling (CT auditions)

The Column
So when the city’s young and restless turn up in their droves to display their lack of self awareness on your favourite middle class TV channel, you know there’s plenty of fun to be had. Last night, Colin Moss – an ex Durbanite, born-again Capetonian himself - smirkingly referred to the city as “the self-proclaimed cultural centre of South Africa” before turning the mirror and showing us what we’ve produced. If it had been anyone other than the always affable Moss, it would have sounded cruel.

The Cape Town leg of the beast that is Idols SA was almost a valid argument for the pro-choice movement. “You’re crap,” Randall Abrahams bluntly tells one of the contestants, who gapes back at him like a slapped fish. “So what makes you special?” Gareth Cliff asks another. The response? “I have bipolar disorder.” How some of these people actually make it from their parents’ basement to the competition is a testament to public transport.

But the star of last night’s embarrassment to sentience was undoubtedly the phenomenon known as Antony. A lanky 23 year old half-asleep über nerd who mumbled his way through a couple of half songs he barely knew before unbelievingly removing a peppermint from his mouth. Not that this made any difference. He still sounded like a narcoleptic Marlon Brando with a mouthful of marbles.
He then proceeded to butcher half-remembered lines from a few more songs while the judges made no effort to hide their sadistic amusement. As they try to wave him off, Cliff pipes up, “No, don’t be too hard on him. Maybe he’s got another song.” Television doesn’t get much funnier than this. Unless you count the guy who sung his ballad – badly - while holding a lighter above his head. At last – an entertainer who is his own audience.

But already the cracks are starting to show. The judges are steadily wading through this sea of freaks, fishing for the mediocre and the bland, and they’re getting a few nibbles. First to get the nod was Jody, 17, from Milnerton. She is everything an Idol needs to be: young, pretty, and can do a pretty mean karaoke. Watch out for this one. When it comes to the crunch and the only contestants left are the boring ones, she’ll probably be there, one of the few remaining corporate whores-in-training, making so many Christians worship false idols on a Sunday.

- Chris McEvoy

Cape Town may be known as the Mother City, but there’s nothing maternal about its inhabitants. We’re a cliquey, arrogant and xenophobic lot who pretty much look down on anyone with a different number plate to ours. It’s a city that acts like a hot chick in a bar: we know everybody wants us, so we don’t even try to be nice. As a result, we attract a lot of arseholes. In fact, it’s a constant source of amazement that 5FM haven’t yet chosen to relocate.
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