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Idols: Divas, crooners and the Devil’s ‘droids

2007-10-22 17:43
The Clips
- Recap of all nine Idols
- Andriette
- Bjorn
- Carla
- Caroline
- Daniel
- Jody
- Munro
- Tender
- Yolanda

This was also the opportunity for the contestants to whine defensively. Almost every one of them used their interview slot to tell us that people don’t realise how much work they put into their performances, and it’s so difficult and blah, blah, blah… Sure, whatever. Perhaps they’re still too inexperienced to have internalised the fact that nobody cares how much work you put into something if the result sucks. Kevin Federline, for example, undoubtedly worked very hard on his last album, but since he’s a talentless dork and his music makes houseplants whither and die, we’re not exactly rushing out to by it, are we? Nobody buys music out of pity. The most entertaining interviewee was the full-figured Andriëtte Norman, who made this astute observation: “I love singing love songs because I think people like hearing love songs because all the people in this world loves love, so that’s why I love singing love songs.” Wow. Give that a moment to sink in. It’s like listening to a malfunctioning android. But on the other hand, that’s the kind of talking that wins beauty pageants.

On the musical front, the contestants were not quite as crap as they were last week, but not really much better either. Björn Blignaut’s performance took cheesiness to a level so way beyond nauseating that it could be used as an emetic on poison victims. In a moment that would make Bles Bridges turn in his urn, he actually gave a red rose to judge Mara Louw. Retch.

Enemy of dignity Munro du Toit, dressed like a cross between a televangelist and a B-grade pimp, went the Hofmeyr route with a Neil Diamond cover. Once again, he delivered a performance you’d expect from someone at a drunken party standing on a table with a lampshade on their head. Village idiots don’t make good pop stars. Here’s the proof.

Now cruising by on looks alone, Daniel Büys sucked with an obscure cocktail jazz song, and Caroline Borole seemed to be phoning her performance in. Don’t expect them to be around much longer.

This season’s hottie Carla Louw was surprisingly good this time round. She chose to stay seated and concentrate on her performance, which was far better than last week’s technique of bouncing up and down like an epileptic Gummi Bear on crack. Who knows – she might still have a few surprises up her sleeve.

Probable finalist Jody Williams hit her first stumbling block with a lacklustre performance of a tepid song and once again, Andriëtte Norman demonstrated how having a good singing voice doesn’t mean you have any taste in music by choosing to inflict a Michael Bolton cover on us. If you’ll recall, last week she did Céline Dion. What’s wrong with this woman? Isn’t it time someone sat her down and had a little chat? You know, before someone gets hurt? Idols can be painful enough without having to listen to the music Satan pipes through the elevators of Hell. Let’s hope and pray next week is Dion and Bolton free. Surely that’s not too much to ask.

- Chris McEvoy
Although you might not have guessed it, this week’s Idols SA was a themed show. Titled “Divas and Crooners”, this was the chance for the nine remaining contestants to do basically the same thing they’ve been doing every week, which is singing songs which are either old, crappy or obscure – and in some cases, all of the above.

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