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Idols: Slow Motion Karaoke Suicide

2007-10-02 11:43
The Clips
- Highlights of all 14
- Andriette
- Bjorn
- Carla
- Caroline
- Daniel
- Dominic
- Jarrod
- Jody
- Munro
- Nicky
- PJ
- Sebelo
- Tender
- Yolanda

- The cut: 14 becomes 12

Back to the column
Anyway, last night all 14 contestants took to the stage to display their own particular brand of glorified karaoke, and as the doormouse said, it was all much of a muchness. Yolanda Nabo did Kelly Clarkson, Dominic Momberg did Nick Lachey, Tender Mavundla did Keisha White… can you see where this is going? At this point, a nice hot bath with the toaster might well seem inviting.

Idols has now become the bland, featureless monster it promised to be from the get-go. The entertainment value has been voted off and all that remains is vapidity. Seriously, how dumb do you have to be to look up to the likes of Kelly freaking Clarkson? Perhaps there’s some entertainment to be had in the Morrissetian irony of an Idols contestant performing a former Idol’s contestant’s song, but that’s only good enough for a single derisive snort - barely enough to carry a 90 minute show.
And to make matters worse, things seem to be slowing down. Only two contestants will be voted off this week. Two. Out of fourteen. No, that’s not a typo. Two. And next week, another two. Do we really need to take half a month to get rid of a mere four future Spur waitrons?

Especially since we all know who will be the last few standing. Totally outclassing the rest is firstly, the blonde beautician from Brackenfell (don’t you just love the way that sounds?), Andriëtte Norman, a wholesome cookie-cutter of a lass who is sure to make some B.Com graduate very happy one day. Then there’s the vocally gifted Jody Williams, who looks so young that thinking about her in a bikini could probably get you arrested.

Despite their awful taste in music (Jody, for example, did Whitney Houston, a woman who should really be driven to the vet and quietly taken out of our misery) there’s no way these two will be voted out before the final show, unless one of them comes out as a Satan-worshipping Nazi who eats people, or is revealed to be three puppies in a person suit, or something. If the latter, by the way, the smart money’s on Jody.

But yet, Idols must drag its heels to create the filler between those vital commercial breaks. So all we can do is sit, wait patiently, and try to prevent our guests from slitting their wrists with our cutlery.

- Chris McEvoy

Another day, another Sabbath of idolatry. The most entertaining thing about last night’s show was watching my guest’s face: partly because she’s really pretty, but mostly because of her comical expression of horror, which only grew broader and less dignified between commercial breaks. Have you ever watched someone lose the will to live before your very eyes? Gripping stuff.

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