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Idols: Super-size me!

2007-10-15 12:49
It’s easy to just make up your own audience with the right lighting – which in this case was complete darkness. Apart from a few shots of contestants’ parents and Colin Moss surrounded by schoolgirls, the audience appeared to be nothing more than a few bobbing mannequins and the disembodied howls of tortured, lost souls. But maybe that’s just the coffee talking.

The Clips
- Recap of the top ten
- Andriette
- Bjorn
- Carla
- Caroline
- Daniel
- Dominic
- Jody
- Munro
- Tender
- Yolanda

Either way, the Top Ten seemed to be in their element, attention whores that they are. For most of the show, singing took a back seat to blatant exhibitionism as contestants basked in the worship of their faceless minions. And why shouldn’t they? This is an opportunity that comes only once in a lifetime, and in their later years, when they’re taking your order for two cheeseburgers with no salad, they can comfort themselves with their memories of a time when their lives weren’t quite so meaningless and empty.

First up was über goober Munro du Toit, who hammed it up with a performance one would expect from a drunk, lecherous uncle at a family wedding. Misplaced confidence is not a pretty sight, and from now on, sensitive viewers are advised to change channels whenever the cameras turn to this unpainted clown’s ugly mug.
Tender Mavundla came a close second on the attention whore-ometer, although, in her defence, she did at least have some stuff with which to strut. Not enough though. It’s doubtful she’ll be standing there when either Andriëtte Norman or Jody Williams take the prize. Come on, we all know it’s going to be one of these two. Why not just cut to the chase already? Do we really need to see the rest of those losers perform over and over again? They’re just wasting our time, and we want our cheeseburgers! Give them an apron and show them the door.

Except Carla Louw, of course. She can stay. But only because she’s hot. She looks a bit like Cameron Diaz, who looks a bit like The Joker from Batman. Does this mean The Joker is hot? Of course not. But what if he wears Carla’s Baby Jane dress and promises not to sing? You have to admit, that’s a grey area.

The rest of the performances were colourless although competent at best, except for the two future finalists. Last week Andriëtte was the clear winner, this week Jody was on top. This might well be all down to song choice though: Jody did Tina Turner – only cuter, and Andriëtte did… wait for it… Céline Dion – only fatter. Ooh. Bad move. Unfortunately, nobody threw anything at her to make her stop. Let’s hope she never, ever does that again, because she’s an awesome singer and it would be sad if we were forced to kill her.

This week, only one contestant gets erased. If there is a God, it will be Munro. If he stays, expect a rain of frogs. You have been warned.

- Chris McEvoy

This week, Idols moved out of the studio and into the Ellis Park Arena, where the Top Ten finalists got the chance to sing in front of thousands and thousands of adoring fans! Unfortunately, not that many showed up, so maybe “hundreds” would be a more accurate description. Or maybe even “one or two fans and their mothers”.

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