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Idols: Top 100 Hell

2007-09-10 12:14
The Clips
Disagree? Watch this video triple play and see for yourself:
- Best group performance
- Forgetting the words
- The Top 32

Back to the column
Idols has made its first step towards it's own inner ninth circle, where we'll find a single, perfectly formed Heinz Winckler clone, smiling like a used car salesman, arms raised above its head - just like in the Idols graphic - to accept our stupid worship so it can lead us blindly along the path to our own cultural Armageddon. Well, for a few months anyway.

This is the nature of Idols - as the singing improves, so the programme deteriorates. Nasty old Randall has less to say while Mara has more. Check it out: in the last few rounds Randall will sound just like Mara does now, and Mara will sound like a doting grandmother who's high on ecstasy. Yes, it's that nauseating. But this is not to say that the remaining contestants in round two are all good singers. It's just that they're not quite bad enough for flat-out ridicule and in losing this element, Idols loses a substantial chunk of its entertainment value.

With amazing speed for so-called reality television, the judges made fast work in hacking the number of contestants down to a mere 32 in a single episode. Yes, that's 32 contestants out of the initial thousands and thousands who entered. There's a life lesson to be learnt here and it goes something like this: if you think you can sing, you probably can't, and if you try, all you'll do is prove to the world that you suck. Ultimately, you'll be happier on your couch with some DVDs and a jumbo packet of Ghost Pops.

Besides, there are more than enough fools out there already. If you want some of that good old fashioned cruel laughter at someone else's expense, go to the dedicated Idols channel on DSTV, where they show all the additional footage, a lot of which didn't make it into the Sunday show. Especially entertaining is Wooden Mic, a bumper two hour programme which showcases the worst of the lot. After an hour, you will have lost all faith in humanity, and by the time they roll the credits you might well have lost the will to live. But you'll still be laughing.

Sunday's Idols may have become less fun, but as the competition becomes serious, at least we have one thing to look forward to: as fans choose sides and start bickering about the contestants themselves, at least they'll stop whining about the judges. Wild conspiracy theories and racist accusations of racism are far more amusing.

- Chris McEvoy

Idols 4: and so it begins... Idols SA has now entered the second circle of its own little Hell. In the first circle we have the ululating retards, deluded farm boys and Cliff Jennings. The second circle offers a mere 100 contestants who have already received an initial nod from the judges. This is not a good thing, and it's not going to get any better.

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