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Idols: "You Had To Be There"

2007-12-10 21:42
The clips
- Jody wins Idols IV
- I wanna dance with somebody
- Run To You
- Love Is All Around

- Andriette - Black Velvet
- Andriette - I'm outta love
- Andriette – Love is all around

The X-travaganza
- Andriette and Jody
- Celine Dion sends a message
- Idols - Forever Young
- Gift
- Munro & Carla
- Recap of the 1st 3 Songs
- Tender & Yolanda
- Top 10 Reunited
- Wooden Mic Award

...and back to the column

When God created Celine Dion, he was particularly pissed off with humanity and thought an ocean of fire would be too lenient a punishment.

That said, I was fortunate to be invited to attend the final show, because obviously, it’s so much better than watching it on TV. Firstly, there aren’t any ad breaks. Well, there are, of course, but we don’t have to watch them. The whole show, with all it’s noise, pace and flashing lights just sort of... stops. Awkwardly. Moss stands there, barely acknowledging anything around him, sometimes reading his cue cards. The judges are as still and silent as stuffed straw men. The idols wait, staring blankly. Everything’s in place but nothing moves. This is what TV looks like when it’s paying the bills – like a future point in time waiting for the present to catch up with it.
And of course, the show was awesome. Yes, even I enjoyed it – despite Celine, despite Whitney, and despite the rest of the Top Ten finalists suddenly reappearing to belt it out for us one last time. Now kudos to the production team for persuading all those restaurant managers to let their staff off for the night, but didn’t we get rid of these guys? They were voted off, right? Apparently the point in bringing them all back was to remind us why we didn’t vote for them in the first place. Well, the ones we can remember, anyway. Munro is still an embarrassing mini-Hofmeyr in desperate need of a reality check, Carla is a poor man’s Cameron Diaz who should really consider soft porn as an option of getting her foot in the door to hard porn; Bjorn and Tender should both head for the nearest ego management centre and check in at the emergency entrance, and Daniel just needs get laid. Seriously, man, call me. I have some VERY sympathetic friends.

Then there was thingamabob, what’s-his-name and the one with the face. Whatever. I was busy SMS-ing at the time. But all in all, the atmosphere was electric, Jody and Andriette performed brilliantly, and the stunning pyrotechnic displays didn’t result in anyone running around the stage in little circles beating their head to put their hair out. For some, this was definitely a good thing.

But enough about the show. Booze, deep fried things and vacuous commentary were available in Columbian proportions in the news conference that followed. Andriette announced her plans to move to Johannesburg to further her career, despite stating that she would never leave the Hell that is Brackenfell in her interview with me. Hypocrite. Jody giggled a bit and made appropriate sounds, saying things that she thought people wanted to hear. Snake. The journalists asking them questions sounded like a cross between a sniveling public relations team and those ladies in waiting that would wave Cleopatra’s feather fans and tell her how gorgeous she was while she squeezed her blackheads. Sycophants!

On the plus side, nobody tried to kick the shit out of me. So it was one of my more successful parties of the year, I think. I didn’t run into any of the other Idols finalists, and most of the media people I spoke to either said they enjoyed the column on or told me I was a very mean person, and sauntered off in a cloud of self-righteousness. But before I went I did get a chance to congratulate the finalists. I told Andriette I thought her version of "Somewhere over the Rainbow" was better than Judy Garland’s.

"Thanks," she said. "I know you were just doing your job."

"Yes, I was," I said. "And I hope to work with you again soon."

You can’t really blame her for letting her face drop just a little as she hurried out the door.

- Chris McEvoy

I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes, but yes, it’s true. The fourth season of Idols SA is finally over. I was there when presenter Colin Moss announced Jody the winner. I witnessed the mindless teenagers screeching so loudly they could have drowned out a particularly irate choir of banshees. And so help me, my unprotected eyeballs were seared by the sight of that evil Canadian crone as she promised us from the pits of her withered, blackened heart that she’d b
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