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Suicide is (relatively) painless

2007-11-20 10:02
This week’s battle of the blands was exactly the same as last week’s, except the interviews were made slightly longer to fill the well-slicked void left by Björn Blignaut’s slightly unexpected fall from grace.

The video clips

- The Mashup
- Andriette first song
- Andriette song no 2
- Daniel first song
- Daniel song no 2
- Jody first song
- Jody song no 2
- Munro first song
- Munro song no 2
- Tender first song
- Tender song no 2

Stop Press: Results Video

- Daniel gets the chop

...and back to the column

It’s been a competition of surprising turn-arounds: Puppy-faced Jody Williams peaked too soon, and is now imploding under the combined weight of her ego, immaturity and crap taste in music. Daniel “Dawson” Büys at first seemed to be cruising through on his pretty-boy features alone, but has now transformed into a formidable one-man boy band, perfectly aimed at pubescent teens who like their crushes sweet and sexless.

Diva wannabee Tender Mavundla started off delivering such super-mediocre performances that without all the media interest in her personal life and HIV status it would be hard to believe she was even there for the first part of the competition. Now suddenly she’s kicking butt with awesome singing and the camera-whore attitude of an A-lister. What happened? Did she sell her soul to Satan during one of those tedious commercial breaks? After appearing on Idols, a deal with the devil is a relatively small step to take.

It’s likely that mega-doofus Munro du Toit has also employed the Powers of Darkness – not to improve his singing, which is as embarrassingly karaoke as ever - but to make the judges suddenly decide to start liking him, for no comprehensible reason. At first their encouragement seemed a bit cruel – sort of like persuading a retarded kid to breakdance on the edge of a cliff. You know, just for a laugh. But as it turns out, they’re being serious. They really do like him. This must be witchcraft at work. That’s the only possible explanation. Can we still burn people at the stake for that? We can’t? Goddammit. The only consistent contestant is Andriëtte Norman, who has remained strong and steady throughout. Her only noticeable change has been her choice in clothing. So now, instead of dressing like her mother, she’s dressing like her slightly younger aunt. The one with the weight problem. Thanks, Truworths! And with Carla gone, Andriëtte is looking a lot more attractive. Sure, she’s a bit of a chubster, but it’s nothing a little eating disorder couldn’t fix.

And speaking of appearance, that’s what the interviews were about this time round. In a competition like Idols, it’s not what you have inside that matters – looks really do count. The contestants spoke about their “taste” in clothes, style and fashion, in light of the fact that they’re all appearing in a You/Huisgenoot fashion spread. Yes, it’s happening. Two cultureless vacuums are merging to form a single Vortex of Evil. Hellmouth will open its jagged maw and suck the last remnants of individuality from our souls. Save us, Buffy!

Ok, maybe it’s not that bad, but seriously, a You/Huisgenoot fashion spread of Idols contestants in Truworths clothing? If you think this could be a good thing in any way at all, you have nothing to offer the rest of us and you’re just taking up space. Nothing personal.

As for the performances, Tender came out tops with Andriëtte a close second, Munro did a Munro (take that any way you like) and Jody was the second worst act for the evening. Daniel is back in “suck” mode and delivered way below his capability. But then again, who could blame him for being distracted by all that airborne underwear? Here’s hoping he’s enjoying it while he still can.

- Chris McEvoy
I may be tying a noose round my bedpost, but at least I’m not watching Idols. - An sms received from a slightly depressed friend on Sunday evening
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