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The Final Four: Idols Armageddon

2007-11-27 12:57
The Clips
- The Recap
- Andriette: first song
- Andriette: second song
- Jody: first song
- Jody: second song
- Munro: first song
- Munro: second song
- Tender: first song
- Tender: second song

Stop Press: Results Video

- Tender sings goodbye

...and back to the column
This week the contestants were asked during their interview segment how they’re enjoying their fame. Yes, again. If you’ll recall, they were asked the same stupid question just a few weeks ago. As if the show couldn’t get any more boring. But you can get away with things like this if half your audience has the memory of an electrocuted goldfish.

Tender Mavundla’s response: “I was just an ordinary girl next door, now I’m flying in private planes, I’m signing autographs, people can’t get enough of me… I’m living that dream… Can’t say I’m not going to miss my quiet life but damn, I could get used to this one.”

What? It sounds like she thinks this is permanent. Hasn’t she realised yet that in six months time nobody will care? She’d be better off trying to get used to the concept of getting slapped on the arse for a living. Yes, it’s also unlikely, but far more realistic than thinking that her Idols lifestyle will extend for more than a month after the cameras stop rolling. When the fall is so inevitable, the height of their fame is just the beginning of the end. Pity her.

Jody Williams seems equally deluded. She says: “This is what people expect… they expect you to be different from what they are… Normal people don’t fly around in jets… it comes with the fame and fortune.” Yes, Jody, private jets come with fame and fortune. Now let’s hope that after Idols you learn just as quickly that paper napkins come with my cocktail. Remember that simple fact and this R1 tip is as good as yours.
Glitch-in-the-Matrix Munro du Toit enthused about being “treated like gold”, although unfortunately this didn’t seem to include being smelted down into little bars and locked away in an airtight vault for all eternity. Too bad.

Andriëtte Norman was the only contestant to acknowledge that the Idols experience had little to do with reality, and her normal life was patiently waiting in the wings for her return. But she countered this level-headed observation with a story about how she wanted to become a vet until she heard she would have to put animals down as part of her job description. To put this into perspective, the barely sentient Paris Hilton said almost the exact same thing last year. Only with a much better accent.

Oh yes, the music. This week’s theme was the Idols’ idols, so we got to see, once again, what an awful taste in music these culturally vacuous vanilla pod-people have. Jody did Céline; Tender did Whitney; Andriëtte did (shudder) Billy Joel, and Munro did Three Doors Down as well as, if not better than the band – but that’s only because Three Doors Down suck like nothing has ever sucked before. Don’t go near them. Not even light can escape that level of pure suckage.

And since this is the top four, all contestants did their bits pretty well, but this is no excuse for the judges to suddenly start sounding like an elderly council of drooling sycophantic suck-ups. Where’s the fire gone? Where’s the snide commentary? What happened? Did they all get laid this weekend or something? Come on guys, this is the home stretch. Complacency is not an option.

- Chris McEvoy

So it’s finally come to this: we’re down to the last four hopefuls with a single thorn among the roses. By “roses” I mean “camera-chasing attention whores” and by “thorn” I mean “most annoying idiot in the multiverse AND camera-chasing attention whore”. The floods that recently blocked access to George - Munro’s home town - was just the Greater Power’s way of trying to prevent something like this from ever escaping again. Imagine how much suffering could be avoided if only the spirit world had

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