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The Future Isn’t What It Used to Be

2008-01-24 12:09
Can I do the same this year? Not quite. Unfortunately I didn’t get a lot of things right, and for this I blame the American legal system, which instead of allowing Paris Hilton to blossom as a serious film star, imprisoned her in a reality TV classic called "Blonde Behind Bars", which contained much less nudity than most similarly titled 'colour features'. I wasn’t so far off when it came to precitions around dance parties, though. The 'ethno' gear dancers wore, however, took mainly the form of T-Shirts sold by people like "Big Blue" or produced by people like us, decorated with South African heroes and Mzansi-speak. And African Dance classes and gym dance classes featuring Kwaito are on the rise. Yes, people did carry on complaining about the crime while copying music, stealing movies and buying stolen car parts. Radiohead is releasing on vinyl, as are our local heroes The Blk Jks and many indie acts. The old black melty becomes the new, retro, touchable, kissable medium for music! Sure, digital LP readers exist, and you can pirate a record. But it’s a lot harder than burning a CD is. The rest of our guesses? Like the one about a decent iPod accessory? Sadly, we’re still waiting for reality and fantasy to merge.


Record companies will come up with a genius way of combating piracy called "sellling music digitally for a reasonable rate online". Though music will cost less, so will distribution, and in the end the artists will actually stand to make some money from recording. Albums will still be available on vinyl and CD, but at greater cost than currently, and with many more added extras thrown in, mainly linked to live gigs. So those who own an album will pay less for a concert ticket, or get a free band T-Shirt with the CD. Capiche?

A major motion picture, following the lead of a successful music video, will release a "choose your own ending" version of a morality tale that allows people to select their own resolution to a story. Or watch all three. When played live in cinemas, the outcome will be decided by audience vote, forcing people to watch it over and over again in different venues in order to see all three endings (or just the one of their choice). The new technology will make the DVD with all three options impossible to pirate. The DVD release will bomb because people are sheep who actually prefer to have their choices made for them.

In a shock outcome a singer who can also write their own songs and whose hands aren’t controlled by an invisible puppet on 'ludes will win a popular 'reality talent' contest.

A kwaito Bok Van Blerk equivalent will cover Zuma’s "Lethu mashini wami" featuring a cameo from Evita Bezuidenhout. It’ll include a shout-out refrain that goes "give it" and absolutely everyone will dance to it regardless of Race, Creed or Colour - except Bok Van Blerk, whose handlers will use the opportunity to drive up more publicity for his hit… what was it called again? Ah, great. It’s finally gone!

Due to Telkom's inability or unwillingness to meet SA’s broadband needs, a rogue guerilla group will figure out how to pirate broadband internet access on a massive scale, making it free (illegally, but who cares when you're downloading video) to all South Africans. At least, I wish they would.

made up by Jean Barker

In late 2006, I stuck my neck out and predicted some trends for 2007, while slapping myself so hard on the back for the accuracy of my previous year’s prediction that I’m still coughing up all the things that ever stuck in my throat – and that’s plenty.

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