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Worst Albums of 2009

2009-12-18 11:29

50 Cent Before I Self Destruct
Bored, wealthy, and wrenched dry of all creativity, 50 Cent releases Before I Self Destruct, an aggressive but terribly self-same bio-pic soundtrack filled to the overflowing brim with death, drugs and destruction. All of which, you soon find, borders on self-parody, given how sanctified Fiddy’s image has become. What with him being the face of Vitamin Water, doing talk shows, and playing Donald Trump on MTV reality shows. Studio-gangster posing doesn’t get any more cringe-inducing than this.
iPod hell: "Hold Me Down" – Not only are you made privy to Fiddy’s nth death threat, but this one actually comes complete with him crooning sweet nothings to his gun which, ostensibly, is also his girlfriend. Read the review [Billy Bluntz].

Rihanna Rated R
While it may not make your ears bleed, it will break your heart. It’s the biggest disappointment of the year with no guts or glory; just gore. What’s worse? Having to admit that Chris Brown’s album is way better. Ouch.
iPod hell: "Rockstar 101" because that’s the last thing she is. [Sam Brighton]

Mariah Carey Memoirs of An Imperfect Angel
Mimi still seems to be operating on the assumption that she needs to prove herself. How else to explain her sometimes cringe-worthy diva antics, her all-consuming struggle for perfection, her unwillingness to really show us the vulnerable woman she hints at but never shares?
iPod hell: the grand-standing of "Candy Bling". Read the review [Shaheema Barodien]

Lianie May The Lianie May Christmas Album
iPod Hell: In the lobby of the seventh circle of hell, you'll be hearing this on repeat while the Devil sharpens his torture implements, which he'll be doing outside because he can't stand it either.
Read the review [Niel Bekker]
Madonna Celebration
The ultimate postmodern pop star continues to milk her myth with this latest career-spanning collection of 33 hits and 3 new songs. There's a problem though: listening to these tracks as an album you can't help but shake the feeling that while they might have pop cultural currency as memories, as music, they haven't aged especially well.
iPod Hell: the no-dimensional retro disco yawn of "Celebration".
Read the review [Miles Keylock]

Al B. Sure Honey I'm Home
R&B has plenty of pretty people, with pretty voices but banal boring tunes and lyrics.
iPod hell: "Bye The Way, By The Way". It's like Novocain for your ears.
Read the review [Soraya Abdulatief]

Sean Paul Imperial Blaze
Even the most hardcore of fans is left feeling a little cheated by his mindlessly repetitive machismo. iPod hell: "Girl if you want it, then just come jump on the saddle and ride and balance upon it." Um, enough said. Read the review [Lihle Jacobs].

The Hangover
Some soundtracks are just lazy. Nearly as drunken, debauched and delirious as the movie which inspired it. But not in a good way.
iPod hell: El Vez "It’s Now Or Never" takes the cheesy sentiments of the movie’s Las Vegas setting to new lows. Read the review [Shaheema Barodien]

Jet Shaka Rock
For all their tales of rock excess, meltdowns and "moving away from their influences," Shaka Rock is surprisingly tame, predictable and boring.
Ipod Hell: "Goodbye Hollywood": Every song, you'll be thinking: Rolling Stones, Stone Roses, The Kinks, INXS, AC/DC, Reef.... But you knew that already.
Read the review [Yusuf Laher]

Which records were so bad that they sucked the bone marrow out of your inner ear this year? Our writers revisit their pet hates from the past twelve months.
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