Johannesburg - It's almost time for the "Groot Trek" to Northam for the yearly Oppikoppi festival. With some firsthand experience we've put together a list of the 10 people you are most likely to run into at the yearly music festival. We've generously added some tips on how to handle these folks in their natural bushveld habitat.1. The drunk guy who lost his friends. Approach with caution. The dude is a little drunk, unsure of his surroundings and will rudely crash your party in desperate need of your help. Simply point him in the direction of the nearest bathroom stall and watch in amusement as he corners his next unsuspecting victim in the plastic cubicle.
2. The girl who wants her five minutes of fame. She's harmless and only has one mission - to get some airtime to prove to her friends that she was actually at Oppikoppi. Journos beware. She'll do whatever it takes to get her five minutes of fame.
3. The hardcore girls. These girls will moer you if you get in their way. They are hardcore festival-goers and don't give a shit what you think. Okay? Got that? Now move away.
4. The epic dancer. The epic dancer will pull some dance moves like you've never seen. You can mostly find them just dancing on their own. Maybe under a tree. Or next to a tent somewhere. Take some photos, Instagram it and share on social media with a funny caption so your friends can join in your joy.
5. The drunk that's slowly going absolutely nowhere. Mostly found in fenced off corners these zombie-like Koppi fans pose no threat. Just let them be.
6. The crier. The crier surfaces closer to the end of the festival. Crying could be a side effect of all the dirt, alcohol, sleeplessness and hunger. It could also be due to sudden loss of an iPhone or other expensive mobile device. Approach with sympathy. Hold out a helping hand before suddenly taking it away and shouting "too slow". Koppi is not for sissies.
7. The mosh pit starter. This idiot likes to randomly start a mosh pit. Has the same mentality as the beasts from the Pamplona bull run. One hit over the head with a selfie stick (only to be used for self-defence and not as a photo-taking apparatus) should do the trick. Gosh! Idiot!
8. The trippin' addict. Don't worry about him. He'll make his way back down to our planet in a week or so.
9. The creepy groupie. Like Mel from Flight of the Conchords these groupies only pose a danger to actual band members. From the drummer to the lead singer can fall prey. Once the groupie has focused his/her attention on a helpless victim there is really nothing that anyone can do. In true BBC documentary style you can but only watch as the groupie corners the helpless rocker before violently jumping on his back and ripping off his head. Imagine above narrated by David Attenborough.
10. The selfie addict. The serial selfie taker is friends with the "five minutes of fame" girl. She is on a mission - to get as many semi-drunk/semi-hot/semi-sexy/semi-candid shots of herself having fun, enjoying a beer while laughing and looking casually fabulous. Our advice? Photobomb her like a boss. Try and see if you can make it into every single selfie she takes. Keep score and share with friends.
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