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Surviving Reality TV

2010-10-13 18:56
Right, now as you're reading this, a new batch of reality TV misfit-ness is under way.

Yup, as we speak M-Net is working on their next season of Survivor South Africa. And the timing couldn’t be better what with Idols nearing its final stages, Ashley and GiGi having faded from the public’s minds and our desperate need for reality TV needs its latest fix.

I'm in two minds about reality TV in general. While I think shows like Survivor and Amazing Race are fantastic entertainment, I'm a little saddened that more reality TV means less scripted TV. Cos – and don't judge me ok!? – I dream of one day writing for a soapie like The Bold and the Beautiful or Isidingo. But the problem for aspiring soap writers like myself is that reality TV is much, much cheaper to produce than the scripted stuff like Desperate Housewives, Grey’s Anatomy and Lost. Pah!
But back to Survivor SA. I have to say that the Santa Carolina season was brilliant. Love or hate Ashley Hayden - she turned out to be just the ratings bonanza that M-Net needed. Let's face it, we tuned in to see her be evil. By the millions we tuned in. No wonder M-Net immediately announced another season, again with Nico 'Camel Man' Panagio as host. Except – gasp, nooooooooooo, say it ain't so – it's apparently a 'normal people' season. Huh?  Why mess with a good thing, M-Net? The celeb angle clearly works and throwing it out the door in favour of a bunch of yahoos no one knows isn't a good idea, surely. Let's forget the dull-as-Noeleen season 2. Remember it? Nope? Thought not!
I'm now about to make a prediction. Just call me Nostradamus. I'll bet my enemy's right arm that M-Net will pull a fast one at the last minute and announce that half the contestants are normal yahoos while the other tribe will consist of celebrity folk. Know how I know? Because they'd be crazy not to. The Americans just did it so successfully with Survivor Micronesia: Fans vs Favorites where one tribe consisted of super fans and the other previous popular contestants. It was recently on SABC3 and proved to be just as popular here as it was in the US when it was screened there. Simply put, the format works.
Which got Gossip Guy thinking. Who, in my own private little fantasy world, would I cast as my SA celebrity contestants? Let's assume there are 18 contestants in total. That leaves us with nine stars to choose from. And my top picks are (in no particular order)… drumroll please…

Jacques Terre'blanche 
Former Idols runner-up turned successful solo singer. He'd fulfill that Izak Davel speedo role. Jacques is smoking hot. I've seen his bod. Now I'd like to see it in a speedo thankyouverymuch.

Uyanda Mbuli
She'd do anything for publicity, which means she'd probably be quite ruthless given half the chance. Rumour has it, from sources who shall remain anonymous, Yands has quite the temper. Another Ash perhaps?

Hannes van Wyk 
The former Egoli villain who played nasty Krynauw, currently doing a short guest role on 7de Laan, is lank popular amongst the Afrikaans market. In real life he's a helluva nice guy but how would he cope without his smokes? And PS. Don't forget we do need a soapie star somewhere in the mix.

Elana Afrika
TV and radio presenter Elana is with the M-Net stable of celebs so she'd make an obvious choice. She'd fill the Craig Jacobs role – you know, loud, bossy and opinionated. Oh and did I mention loud?

Derek Watts
The Carte Blanche presenter is super tall and knows how to outstare any dodgy mo-fos. He'd be brilliant at the challenges. A real mentally strong player and sort of Gys de Villiers (father figure) from last season.

Auriol Hays
Cape Town-based pop/soul/jazz singer. I follow this girl on Twitter and Facebook. She's wickedly outspoken, fierce and can carry a tune on those long, boring nights around the campfire.

Shaun Pollock
Retired redhead of cricket. They need a token sportsman anyway and who better to fill that Okkert Britz-type role than Polly!

Candice Hillebrand
The former KTV girl turned busty FHM model now lives in the US. But so what! Bring her back. People will remember her. If nothing else for the pretentious way she pronounced her first name but still, I'd tune in to see her getting flirty with Jacques. Blonde on blonde action – now that's hot!

PJ Powers
Legendary SA singer and currently a judge on e-tv's Popstars. Let me tell you about PJ – she's a whole lotta fun plus a whole heap of drama. She probably has adult ADHD. She used to be an alcoholic. She tells rude jokes. She'd be perfect…

Or Gossip Guy. You can send me to a deserted island any any day!

Celebrities on Survivor is a megabuck-formula that you don't want to mess with.

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