The Art of Twar

2013-04-02 15:00
Rob Kardashian Rita Ora
Sticks and stones will break your bones, but words will hurt, irritate or even cause you to blow your top off and declare an outright war.

Now take this war of words and pop it into a virtual space, like Twitter, with a sharp tongue that is limited to 140 characters and you have a perfect Twitter war, better known as a Twar.

Ladies and gentlemen, don't let the virtual space fool you into thinking that Twars are child's play, because they are not. In fact, they can be more brutal and quite frankly more hilarious than actual wars as one looks at the ridiculous things celebs have to say to each other in an attempt to beat the living virtual daylights out of one another.

Twars are pretty much cat fights that happen over Twitter. And trust me when I say that celebs fight over anything and everything.

One could get crucified for not greeting another celeb at an event, or worse, secrets could be aired for the entire world to see, due to intense bitterness between two rivals. And like in every battle, there is an art to twar.

Attacks must be sudden and brutal; raising eyebrows and cause virtual bullets to spray the room with confusion and violence. The defence must be even quicker, with the clashing of virtual swords jabbing strongly into the opponent followed by warring virtual screams in the form of words in capital letters and many exclamation marks.

To master this art of Twar, make sure you have these five strategies ready at all times:

1. Air the dirty laundry

Oh yes, secrets and dark hidden corners filled with dirty laundry should be exposed for the entire world to see.

Your opponent will feel heavily embarrassed at such an exposure, causing them to rouse up in violent retaliation by either exposing your filth or expressing their utter disgust in your utterances.

This is even worse when you're a celebrity psychologist and compassionately blurt out that a troubled individual will lose a limb before eventually deciding to sober up (sides with Dr. Phil as he refers to Lindsay Lohan).

Well, embarrassment took over Lindsay as she expressed in shock that real doctors usually say these things behind closed doors. But it's not like the doc was being dishonest. She might not lose a limb but she has certainly gained a "pooza face".

2. Kick a dog when it's down

Why should you be nice and encourage your enemy when times are tough? You should continue to pour vinegar on your opponent's wound even if you have problems of your own.

Ja-Rule was on his way to jail when long-standing enemy 50 Cent tweeted that the "lil punk" should be strong and that he doesn’t wish jail upon anyone.

50 Cent hadn't been doing as well as he did in previous times during the time when the tweet went out, and Ja-Rule capitalized on this by tweeting that Fiddy is broke, irrelevant in Celebville and that his Twitter followers are more than what he has in his bank account.

Now that's how you do it! Take your biggest white sneaker (because you know you don't mess with a brother's white sneakers) and kick a dog way down even when it attempts to be nice to you.

There's no time for hugs and kisses in a Twar.

3. Be the bitter ex

Oh yes... Shoot accusations of infidelity with thousands of partners so that your ex can look like a loose goose. They really are the outright enemy in this case, so why be nice?

Channel a Rob Kardashian by accusing your ex of sleeping with more than 20 guys on Twitter (sorry Rita Ora).

But even if she did, Rob should've calmed down and realized that he's a fine looking brother and women are lined up so that they can date him.

Anyway, accuse the opponent with multiple sex partners, reveal nude pics and the grand finale: release the sex tape.

All it takes is one link and an enticing headline to get things going.

4. Be the ex that resurrects

There's nothing worse than an ex who makes a comeback and lets the entire Twitter-sphere see such resurrections.

Tweet a photo with racist stereotypes about your ex’s current girlfriend with a caption that says "Ima make you my bitch".

Rihanna did this to Chris Brown's then current girlfriend Karrueche Tran, to which she replied on her Facebook page: "I'm Angelina, you're Jen. C'mon you see where Brad is at."

Nice defense Karrueche!

In this Twar, you need to portray yourself as the irresistible Cinderella that is winning the heart of the prince, or else you'll be seen as a sissy who can’t even hold down a man.

5. Be a hater

In war, all you need is intense hate for your opponent. That is more than enough.

Call them a "worthless piece of shit" when they send out an innocent tweet, as was the case with comedy writer Jenny Johnson and Chris Brown.

Yes, Jenny called Chris worthless when he tweeted that he thinks he looks ugly.

Cannon balls were released between the two parties in the form of insults of a vulgar and sexual nature, coupled with links of articles written about Brown assaulting Rihanna.

Even fans entered the battle, which ended in death threats on Johnson's side. It was quite dramatic!

In another war, Kelly Osborne tweeted about her intense hate for Tila Tequila, calling her trash and even commenting about her sanitary towels, to which Tila retaliated that Kelly words are stupid and she probably needs diapers as sanitary towels.

The bombs thrown in this war were vulgar and the sword fights were quite brutal. Hate makes the Twar much more violent and intense, and for the tweeps, it's much needed entertainment.

At the end of the day, if you do decide to engage in a Twar, you have to hold your sword up high and attack as violently as possible while making sure that your defense is strong and impenetrable.

Twar is for celebs with thick skin, and if you use any of these strategies in engaging in a Twar, I'm pretty sure that you'll be successful in providing much wanted Twitter entertainment. 

Lebo Matshego sets out to define the parameters of a new form of war between celebrities on the micro-blogging site Twitter, which she aptly dubs Twar. publishes all comments posted on articles provided that they adhere to our Comments Policy. Should you wish to report a comment for editorial review, please do so by clicking the 'Report Comment' button to the right of each comment.

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