Amor is from Mars, Joost is from Venus

2010-09-01 13:14
After giving the matter a whole two-and-a-half yoctoseconds of intense pondering, I’m going with a resolute "no". They could never be that interesting.

The fact that Amoost/JoMor are back in the news – yes, again – says less about the non-coupling couple than it does about the so-called news itself. And we all know what shapes the news – you know, besides advertising and sponsorship, hidden and not-so-hidden socio-political agendas, and sometimes merely how a writer happens to feel when he wakes up at five in the goddamned morning to write an entertainment column. That’s right. It’s you, the readers. This is your fault.

OK, the coffee’s kicked in now.

Public response to Amoost stories remind me of the hilarious hypocrisy of all the British royalty news that was foisted on us back in the '80s. Here was an inbred clan of horse-faced attention whores, desperately clawing at their last scraps of relevance in an anarcho-capitalist system that had replaced towering colonialism with insidious, faceless corporatisation as the modus operandi for financially raping the world.

News of their weddings, divorces, infidelities and dinner parties had somehow osmosed to the front page of everything decades before – and stayed there. This was despite the crown’s powerlessness, despite the constant drone from monarchist nerds (who couldn’t get enough royalty news) amusingly demanding that the media leave their many majesties alone, and despite the fact that nobody would admit to giving a royal fornication about the famous family.

But the coverage didn’t stop until people stopped reading it, which I think was round about the time dumb Diana and carrot-arsed Charles split up because of that old bag of prunes Camilla. Now, you’ll only ever read about the royals when one of them dies. Not that I care, or anything...

The same scenario has played out with Amoost (as well as Britney Spears, Michael Jackson and our own beloved Hansie Cronje, among too many others), once again raising the two invariable reader responses: (1) Who cares anyway? and (2) why don’t you just leave him/her/them/it/Caster alone?

Answer one: well, lots of people, actually... And hey, that pretty much answers the second question too. Sure, it’s retarded, non-news bullshit, especially so for the Joost-is-a-friend-of-Dorothy and Amor-is a-sister-of-Sappho story. But retarded bullshit = high readership. On the day the story went live on News24, it was at the top of the "most read" stories list. Depressed? Good. You should be.

I’m not saying I have proof that People Magazine is staffed by lazy chequebook journalists with drinking problems who based their entire story – which, by the way, is homophobic by its very existence – on the phoned-in allegations of an opportunistic grifter. I’m just saying the only way this story could be more unbelievable would be if they’d included a bit about Joost’s lover being an extraterrestrial space-gay who had magically impregnated him with the galaxy’s first star baby. Actually, that sounds kind of awesome. If I worked for People, that’s exactly what I would have written.

And as a second answer to that second question, nobody in the limelight wants to be "left alone". Nobody. Celebrities (or whatever passes for celebrities in our rainbow backwater) who issue press releases, grant interviews and go on talk shows to histrionically whine about their loss of privacy are fucking liars, and should be treated as such.

Sure, they don’t want anyone to say anything horrible about them, but they want to be left alone even less. If they did, they’d shut the hell up. But they don’t, so they won’t, and if you’ve read this far, that probably suits you just fine. Me too.

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