Being Renée Zellwegger

2010-02-19 16:16
Renée Zellwegger, 15 years (1985)

"Ok, so nylon is cheaper and it doesn't have to be ironed but why the hell does it have to be so itchy? And there goes Headmaster Nobbig... on and on about God again. Is that spittle in the corner of his mouth or did he forgot to wipe the cream off after tea? Why can't I help imagining what it tastes of.  Gross... I'd so scratch and I wouldn't care if my parents saw and they're sitting on either side of me but it would suck if James saw. He's so cute and I think he might want to graunch me... if his friends wouldn't find out that he was going out with Renée Zellwegger ... that'd be it. I'm such a nerd.

I'm dying of heat in this blazer. And I think this might actually be even more boring than last year. At least last year I thought I might win something for the music project I did. But of course I didn't. I never win. Clarissa won. And plus, she's dating Joel. They even have rings but people say that's just so that they can say they are engaged so they can have sex and nobody will say she is a slut. Before, she was "engaged" to this guy who was already at university...  she wasn't even 16 yet.

Oh... okay. We're getting to the end now. The Overall Achiever award. Imagine? Oh, grow up. It's not going to happen.

Damn I hope this tampon lasts. That last time was so embarrassing, when I had to go up on stage. I wonder how many people saw? If the uniform was blue instead of maroon I would have died.

I wonder if I'll pass maths. I better because another year of this and I think I'll get expelled on purpose. I wonder if James is looking at me. I can't look at him. Why is Mandy looking at me like that? I think she hates me. Being 15 sucks. When I grow up I'm going to do whatever I want all the time.

What will James think if I asked him to the dance? I wonder if I should."

Renée Zellwegger, 40 years (2010)

"Dammit. This dress is cutting into my ass. I should have lost more weight before this thing. But we all know what works best and it was so embarrassing that time when I won the Oscar and I was in the toilet when they announced it and my nose was all runny and stuff. Is Steve Martin making fun of me? Or is he making fun of Alec... well I guess I'll find out on the blogs tomorrow.  I knew I should have brought a veil. Meryl Streep has a veil. But she's much older than me and I'm pretty sure those pictures weren't even of my arms. Not that anyone's going to believe it. I wonder if I'll ever win another Oscar. These things are really boring if you know you're not nominated.

Oops. Time to clap. Yes bla bla, your mother and your agent. Who cares? Oops! Was the camera on me? Smile! Did John Mayer just look at me? I know he tends to go for the younger women but then he dated Jen for a while. They're over now. Never got married although there were rumours. I wonder if their agents just set it all up.

God I'm tired of smiling and smiling and smiling. If I'd known I'd have to spend this much time acting I'd never have become an actress.  My cheeks are aching.

Oh, what a joke. That bitch from Vanity Fair just nodded at me. I better nod back. Hello, bitch. And pull in my stomach while I do it in case she notices. "Forty and fabulous?" Oh please. I'd rather be 16 and sexy. Or screw it... how old is Angelina?  I'll be however old she is - forever.  And winning something, like she always seems to be. When she starts adopting husbands, then we better watch out.

Was that mean?

I've never been so bored in my life. When is this going to end?" publishes all comments posted on articles provided that they adhere to our Comments Policy. Should you wish to report a comment for editorial review, please do so by clicking the 'Report Comment' button to the right of each comment.

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