It's raining bigots

2009-09-09 10:49
 The freak-of-last-week, Brandon Huntley, had every scribbler with a mortgage to pay falling over each other in their efforts to rip him a new arsehole, but the moaning majority of their readers seemed to think that Huntley is some kind of hero for showing the rest of the world how the few remaining poor, guiltless whites in this crime-ravaged country are murdered every day by vengeful, racist blacks.

Then there's affirmative action and black economic empowerment, concepts that we commie columnists think, if used correctly, might be antidotes to the deepening economic rifts blah blah apartheid blah blah blah. But once again, we have it wrong. According to most of our readers, any attempts to even the scales is nothing short of reverse racism, much like demanding a stolen car be returned to its original owner is an attempted mugging.

And this week, we're getting it wrong yet again as we respond to the queer kiss on Generations that appears to have half the country's panties in a twist. A Facebook group, populated by thousands of mostly negative comments, condemns the brief lip-lock as a disgusting display of godless perversion that's only a few short steps away from molesting a cross-dressing sheep. The few positive voices are lost in a deluge of homophobic bile that has me reaching for the rubber bullets.

Most clichés carry an element of truth, but the saying that everyone is entitled to their own opinion is not one of them. This is because the vast majority of "everyone" is ignorant, spiteful, terrified of change, and of each other. Conservatives are the biggest cowards. They camouflage their fears with reactionary bravado, when in fact they are even bigger pussies than the bleeding heart liberals they love to taunt, who, despite their limp-wristed bullshit, at least know to get out of the way when progress comes to mow down their teepees.

Opinions are an earned privilege, not an entitlement, and the hoi polloi are simply in no condition to have them. Not that I'd want to prevent them from expressing themselves, of course. I need the page impressions.

And just for once, I'd like to see someone – anyone – explain to me why the Bible is an excuse to deny gays the same basic human rights as straights. As a moral guide, the Bible is a reductionist orgy of cruelty and intolerance that turns every believer into a hypocrite, because any attempt to follow all its guidelines would probably result in a life sentence. Does anyone actually read the other rules, the ones around the bits that condemn homosexuality? It's scary stuff.

Then there's the argument that homosexuality goes against our culture. Really? Well, here's a response to those who feel this way. Fuck our culture. And the same goes for our religions, our families, or anything else that will lead us to end up a laughing stock to our own children a few short decades from now. Conservative values always look stupid in hindsight, and nobody celebrates those who resisted an end to discrimination.

And the one about homosexuality being unnatural? Sorry, but it simply isn't. There are uncountable reported cases of same sex couplings in the animal kingdom. Besides, what's so great about nature? I love my unnatural lifestyle, with my car, my clothes, my running water and my condoms. It's awesome. You nature-lovers should try it some time.

But my favourite argument has to be the one that goes, "Well, I think it's disgusting!" OK. But as a reformed teetotaller, I happen to think that alcohol is disgusting, and I'll bet I can find more evidence to support alcohol's erosion of society than anyone can when it comes to homosexuality. I also think SUV's are disgusting. And braais, and rugby – all of which are on prime time television. Now, where's my Facebook group?

Liberals have lost the plot. In their weak-kneed attempts to be tolerant of everything, they've become tolerant of intolerance – and that's intolerable. Unfortunately, they make up the bulk of the country's mewling minority that oppose homophobia, so I guess I'll just have to respectfully suck it up for now – as I do braais, booze and rugby.

But I'll also respond to homophobes with one of my favourite weapons: derisive laughter. How else could I reply to a group of supposedly straight men who're apparently completely obsessed with what other men do with their penises? And then there's the straight women who feel rejected… come on, that's just sad.

If you're still a homophobe in these enlightened times, homosexuality should be the least of your worries.

I'm bored with arguing, so from now on, whenever some angry little fright-monkey complains to me about the gays, the crime or reverse racism, I'm just going to repeat whatever they said in a high, squeaky voice – and I suggest you do the same. We may not change their minds, but at least it'll make them shut the Hell up and let us evolve in peace. publishes all comments posted on articles provided that they adhere to our Comments Policy. Should you wish to report a comment for editorial review, please do so by clicking the 'Report Comment' button to the right of each comment.

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