The organic delusion

2010-08-11 14:27
This is an unwritten rule that I’ve not only just written about, but will now proceed to break.

I’m not saying that Women24’s 6 good reasons to go organic is badly written. This is a frequent, last-resort criticism from self-entitled trolls who assume writing can only be worthy of publication if it’s 100% compliant with their dismal opinions. What I am saying is that it’s a competently written pile of crap. Here’s why.

#1. Organic food tastes better
No. It. Doesn’t. Perhaps the yuppy-hippies (yippies?) who overspend on undersized, wrinkly veggies have convinced themselves otherwise, but nobody’s going to notice the difference unless your dinner party guests are teetotalling connoisseurs, or your kids are autistic savants with vegetable fixations. Think I’m lying? Why not organise a blindfold taste test? It’s perfect for making your pretentious farmstall-lurking friends feel as stupid as they really are.

#2. Organic food is more nutritious
Ah, the good old when-in-doubt-pull-a-fact-out-of-your-ass form of persuasion. I can do this for hours. Check it out. Lima beans prevent hypothermia. An open oven and an open refrigerator can create a cold front and cause it to rain in your kitchen. Celine Dion was born with a tail. Kid gloves are so called because they were originally made from the skin of stillborn babies, before the trade name was finally bought out by the Coca-Cola Company. Strange - but false.

#3. Organic food promotes a healthy eco-system
According to the article, this point refers to the fact that organic farmers treat their animals far more humanely before murdering them for your gastronomic pleasure. Like most rational people, I’m opposed to animal cruelty, so long as it’s convenient. So I still eat veal and I love foie gras. I’d probably eat a piglet’s face that was boiled in the milk and tears of its own mother if someone put it in front of me. Sure I’d feel a bit guilty, but not enough to put me off dessert.

#4. It’s chemical-free
Organic farming isn’t nearly as "pesticide free" as the article maintains, but uses natural pesticides which they approve of because…  well, it’s natural. That’s it. Sure, they can be more poisonous, more harmful to the environment and not even as effective as cheaper, chemical (ie. EVIL) insecticides – but they’re natural, and that’s all you need to know. Do I really need to say it again? Science beats nature as sure as rock beats scissors. Thinking otherwise is like betting on the heterosexual in a tennis match.

#5. Making a difference
Sure, going organic will "reduce your carbon footprint" but by such an infinitesimally small amount that it’s hardly worth spending all that extra cash, just so you can eat veggies that look like an old man’s ball-bag. If yippies were actually serious about this carbon footprint trend (and a trend is all it is), they’d cut off their electricity, disable their cars, shit in their gardens and demand the government extend the legal window for abortion to the 59th trimester. They’ll certainly need it, after they dispense with non-organic contraception in favour of condoms made out of sheep’s bladders.

#6. Setting an example
Boring! Next!

Bonus reason: You won’t wake up with a hangover
Oh yes, you fucking will. The article maintains that organic wines are "less likely to bring about a roaring hangover because they’re virtually free of sulphur dioxide". Now, as a recovering alcoholic, I can let you in on a little secret:  sulphur dioxide doesn’t cause hangovers. ALCOHOL, on the other hand (another completely natural substance, by the way) has pretty much been the cause of every single hangover since our ancestors began fermenting their own piss in the skulls of their enemies. Cheers!

So there’s your six(ish) reasons, and here’s my theory: I think the global "go organic" fashion was dreamt up in advertising agencies to promote shops that stock this frankly inferior produce (cough) Woolworths! (cough) alongside suspiciously Frankenfood-sounding goods, like their Flavourburst™ mandarins, which are freaking delicious, and I don’t care how many pixies had to die at the hands of mad scientists to get them to my fridge.

By comparison, nature is a lousy mother, and her food sucks.
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