The writing's on the wall

2009-08-19 09:31
The cheesy '90s hype phrase for the intertubes, "Information Superhighway", might not have been accurate when describing its speed – especially at the time, when it was more like a license queue at the local traffic department than an actual road.  But there are similarities with road travel and web surfing. Both will result in frequent near-misses with hogs, ragers, the obviously drunk and/or insane – and mostly, with very, very stupid people.  Don't believe me? Try writing a column some time.

This hilarious-but-true story from a few days ago illustrates my point. A woman wrote the following status update on her Facebook page (and I quote): "OMG I HATE MY JOB!! My boss is a total pervvy wanker always making me do shit stuff just to piss me off!! WANKER!" To which her boss responded later that evening: "Hi Lindsay, I guess you forgot about adding me on here?"


He went on: "Firstly, don't flatter yourself. Secondly, you've worked here 5 months and didn't work out that I'm gay? I know I don't prance around the office like a queen, but it's not exactly a secret. Thirdly, that 'shit stuff' is called your 'job', you know, what I pay you to do. But the fact that you seem to be able to fuck up the simplest of tasks might contribute to how you feel about it. And lastly, you also seem to have forgotten that you have 2 weeks left on your 6 month trial period. Don't bother coming in tomorrow. I'll pop your P45 in the post and you can come in whenever you like to pick up any stuff you've left here. And yes, I'm serious."

A screenshot of the apparently genuine exchange was posted on Lamebook – an increasingly bloated site that collects all the funny and weird information people openly share on Satan's Filofax. Then Digg picked up on it, and in a matter of hours, it went viral.

Which made me think – after wiping away the tears of laughter – that maybe when I finally get around to collecting all these columns together in book form, I should include some of the classic comments they've generated. Like most internet stupidity, they have all the entertainment value of watching two white guys trying to beat each other to death on the side of the highway with their sports equipment, but with none of the guilt.

Just kidding, of course. Print is dead.

Unlike print, internet publications have the capacity to deliver what readers really want: which appears to be 50% content, 10% adverts and 50% inane gibberish from semi-literate time-wasters, who are so far up conservatism's arse, it comes as no surprise that their world view is a tunnel-vision spectacle of a defiled toilet.

And I'm no different from most readers. On the rare occasion I actually buy a newspaper, my first port of call is always the letters page, the most hilarious section of any publication. Yes, I know that it's bad manners to laugh at the less fortunate, but I reason that since I'm doing it in private, it's not actually hurting anyone. You know, like telling a good cripple joke.

I'm not alone. Sites like Lamebook, Twitterhallofshame, Mycrimespace, Mydeathspace and many others which gather internet stupidity for our entertainment, are disturbingly numerous, and easy to find. And thanks to the internet's continued expansion, it looks like there's no way they'll ever run out of fresh material. Every day, thousands more douche bags get connected and immediately start typing whatever pops into their heads. A few quick tips to avoid being the next star of one of these sites: One: remember that you’re never as anonymous as you think you are, and two: anger always makes you look stupid. Always.

Stick to these, and you should find yourself at the fun end of the laughter. publishes all comments posted on articles provided that they adhere to our Comments Policy. Should you wish to report a comment for editorial review, please do so by clicking the 'Report Comment' button to the right of each comment.

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