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Los Angeles - Dean McDermott felt suicidal after cheating on Tori Spelling.
The star admitted he contemplated taking his own life following his cheating scandal last December in the most recent episode of True Tori, which was filmed three months after he was unfaithful to his wife with 28-year-old Emily Goodhand during a trip to Toronto.
The actor spoke candidly to the cameras about suffering a mental breakdown, recalling looking out of a window and thinking how easily he could "just dive out of it".
He sighed: "The days leading up to my breakdown, I wanted to disappear. I didn't want to feel what I was feeling all the time. I just thought, 'This is it. You can't get out of this. I blew it. Everything great in my life, I shit on.' I just thought, 'Tori deserves me to die'."
The shocking confession lead to Beverly Hills, 90210 star Tori taking her husband aside to ask if he was comfortable sharing such intimate thoughts, and producers bringing a psychologist on board to help him through his issues.
Dean later reasoned: "I know I will not take my life. My life means a lot to me right now, where it didn't for so many, many years...
"My life means something because I'm getting the help that I need, and I'm surrounded by love and support, and for the longest time, I didn't deserve it and I'm just getting a little glimmer that I do deserve it...I know I don't deserve to die. I deserve to live."
The couple are determined to work their problems out for the sake of their kids, Liam, seven, Stella, five, Hattie, two, and Finn, 20 months.
When Tori spent six days in hospital last week, reportedly to be treated for an ulcer and migraines, Dean was constantly at her bedside.
