Cheryl Cole – 3 Words

2010-03-07 14:08
3 Words

This is like saying no to the crying kid with one arm on American Idol. Poor Cheryl has had such a hard time lately; I feel bad saying her album sucks. At least I don't have to say it to her face.

Does it really matter, though? Cheryl is the prettiest part of Brit frock-poppers Girls Aloud, she's a soon-to-be-rich-ex footballer's wife and she's the perfect size zero. This solo album is a desperate attempt to rise above all her associations. But it's not necessary. A beautiful body is worth a lot more than a beautiful voice.

So she's got as the head of her fan club who colabs on four of these tracks and he's so embroiled, we're not sure who's featuring who. Last year's "Heartbreaker" gets a second wind on this album as well. They're clearly big on recycling.

Cheryl doesn't have a good voice. It's often flat and her attempts at lilting will leave your ears wilting. Her diction is so bad, she makes Eliza Doolittle sound like the Queen. At one point in "Don't Talk About This Love" I heard the line "I'm drowning in syphilis". I couldn't believe it, although with her husband's reputation, it could be pretty accurate. Upon inspection in the sleeve it's actually "I'm drowning it's effortless". Ah. Right.

"Fight For This Love" is saved by excellent production and the public's sympathy with her. Poor thing's just trying to save her marriage. The album has a refreshing dance pop sound, but it's diminished by Cheryl's lack of substance.

This woman is gorgeous yet the entire sleeve has only two head shots of her. What happened to playing on your strengths? There's nothing else to appreciate about this album. Last three words: don't buy it.

Cheryl is the new Posh Spice.

What to read next: Kalahari
Read more on:    cheryl cole

There are new stories on the homepage. Click here to see them.